Me NOT We

I have always been relationship-ie..lol. Meaning, whenever I made a decision, I would always think of the ways this decision positively or negatively would affect the relationship I was in. When my daughter's father and I were young; I begged my mom to transfer me to the high school he went to. I gave her a lot of bull reasons. But the real reason was him.


I have seen so many images of career-driven lonely women over the years. I have seen so many films, shows, articles, and novels that (at some point) describe a woman or women who did away with love, for the greater goal of chasing their career aspirations. They always ended up soaked in regret and unable to have children once they were "Finally" ready to conceive. The image of the old maid has often plagued me. I want to get married and have children (well, more children). I have a real fear of growing old alone or pathetically chasing after men half my age. I know many of you are thinking I'm crazy. "You're only 25", you say to me through the screen... but you won't leave a comment:-)

The truth is, being alone and unhappy are honest fears of mine. However, I have recently had, yet another epiphany. This one stems from something my "dad" said. One of the only useful things he ever said, "you cannot put your happiness in someone else's hands". If what makes me happy is my man; being around him, receiving words of affirmation from him, and being flattered when he comes home bearing gifts... what happens when he's not around, when he's not saying anything sweet, and when he's empty-handed on my birthday??

Now, I am not only "not happy", I'm furious. Because the extreme positive emotion I felt when he was attentive has done a complete 180. Living in this way, with my happiness built on what a man is or is not doing, could land me in a straight jacket. If I choose a man, over....anything.... A job, an opportunity, relocation possibilities. When that man does not behave right, cheats me, or even leaves me... what do I do?

But, if I am ambitious; and I pursue a career and a life that is fulfilling.... If my life’s work is something I can be proud of and enjoy... if I wake up in the morning eager! I have found the root of true happiness. A happiness that is based purely on what I do. Not on what someone else does or does not do. This type of happiness is sustainable and unconditional.

Relationship happiness is like the stock market. One minute you’re up... the next minute, your stock has crashed, and you’re stone broke. Even if you had a long term happy healthy relationship... is being "we", ever more important than being "I"?? We have to go out there, chase our dreams, meet or goals (at least the preliminary ones), travel if we want to, and be in a position to open that door every time opportunity knocks. If you ignore those knocks to "lay up", you'll regret it no matter how good of a man he is. Seek YOUR happiness, not "our" happiness. And ALL happiness will come to you.

Passion

My sister touches my dress, rubs the material between her thumb and her index finger and says "I could make this". My sister is majoring in fashion design at Columbia College. And I am so green with envy! Not because I want to study fashion. But because she is so proud of what she does. She has portfolios, samples, a mannequin, a sewing machine... we can't step foot in Walmart without her looking for new fabrics. She has a genuine passion. Me on the other hand, my interest varies depending on the class I'm in. When I had broadcasting classes I wanted to be an anchor. When I first began media production classes, I want to be a director. Toward the end of my college career, I have taken communication courses that were more business related, and now, that's where my interest lies.

I should have a whole plan for my life and I don't. All I know is that I want stability, yet I bore easily. I have a history of losing interest in jobs, hobbies, men. I need to be constantly engaged. But I don't think that's the way the world works. I am trying to find my niche in this world. But, I don't know what it is. What am I passionate about? Success. I just want to be successful and able to provide for myself and my daughter in abundance. So, next logical question is what do I like??

Well, like most people, I like to talk. Other than that, I like to write, and I like to help people, mainly in the form of encouragement. Who talks, writes, and encourages?? Human resources coordinators? Motivational speaker?  I'm not sure, about writing. What would I write? Can't feed myself from writing my blog...

I am anxious to find my passion. How can I be a career woman... with no clear career path to follow? I am hoping for suggestions...

Keep It, You'll Grow Into It

I am a writer. There I said it. For the longest time I did not like the idea. Friends, family, and many teachers have attempted to encourage me to embrace my writing skills. But during grammar school, high school, and most of college, writing was either one of two things: a necessary evil to excel to the next academic level, and/or a means of extracting emotions and ideas (mostly Dear John letters, poems, and angry letters to my mom when I was a teenager). I never enjoyed writing.

One of the biggest reasons is because authors were never glamorous enough for me. I wanted to be a singer, a dancer, an actress.... a person in the spot light. I wanted beautiful clothes, to be interviewed, to be looked up to, to be rich, popular, beautiful and fun. And an author, to my knowledge, was none of the above. Before Carrie Bradshaw, my visualization of writers was... scary. Knitted sweater wearing shut ins with type writers and glasses. Often times, I would envision Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" or James Caan, in "Misery". Those images just didn't quite...do it for me. I could not identify with those actors' portrayals of authors.

Sure, there are plenty of female African American authors. I have seen their books on many shelves, and read my fair share. But my impressions of the life of writers were embedded early in life, via films like the ones I mentioned.

But as I have grown... mostly within the last two years.... I fit better and better into my writing clothes. When I originally received the clothes, many years ago. They were too big, not my style, and made me feel uncomfortable, like clothes that did not belong to me. But as I advance in age, those clothes begin to fit better and better. My sense of style has matured, so the clothes suit me now. Now I see these clothes as mine, not just something that was given to me.

For those of you who find yourselves with talents, potential, or "clothes", that don't seem to fit; I have a suggestion. Hang on to them, try them on occasionally, you just might grow into them, and grow to love them.

Make The Choice

I am a person who is always called to immediate action. I like "right now"! I have no patience, nor have I ever. And if I have to make the choice of going, doing, seeing, or participating in anything either right now or later on, NOW is my choice.

But immediate gratification and goals, do not go hand in hand. If I want to eat this donut right now, what effect does that have on my long term weight loss goal? If I want to have sex right now, how does that effect my long term goal of being in a committed relationship?? We have to reject the immediate gratification to meet long term goals.

But it is so difficult, to turn down something that you want (what ever it may be) when it is staring you in the face? How do you turn down what you want now for what you want later? How do you turn down a good paying job, to go to college for 4 yrs... and perhaps don't get a job afterwards??

The answer is, we MUST BELIEVE that what we want in the long term is of better quality, more substantial, more important, and much more fulfilling then what stands before us presently. We can't just want to believe it. We will fail every time, unless we are convinced!

But how do we convince ourselves?

That is a means we must all come up with, individually.

Right now, I am struggling to make the choice between instant satisfaction.... and delayed gratification... I hope I make the right choice. And I hope you do too.

Thanks for Reading.

Closure Closes What?

Up until today, I had not had any means of communication with my ex since January 13th, nearly a month ago. Apparently, I had him signed up to receive my blog. So he received the "The He Loves Me Not" post. So I never had to tell him we were done, he found out through the blog. (I have since, removed him from the list) Today, in the early morning hours, I emailed him, expressing frustration, and looking for closure. And... I did not feel very different after I wrote it. His answers and comments frustrated me further. What did i expect from him? This is a man who no one can expect anything from. What did I think he would say. Did I think he would give me some deep or profound information that would put my mind at ease? Leave me in peace and feeling whole? He's not that type of man. So, because he's unable to give me closure, does that mean I'll never have it?

Can I give it to myself? Do I even need it? What is it? What am I closing when I get closure? Am I closing the imaginary door he stood behind? Am I closing that ''chapter" of my life? Am I closing my heart to him? Those are all cliche's and hallow metaphors, to me. I cannot physically complete any of those task. But I can mentally? Meaning, use my imagination, lol. Is that going to make me feel better? In what world?

Realistically closure could be interpreted as peace. How do I come to peace with the decision I made? We are all satisfied with our decisions when we are positive that we have made the best decision. His nonchalant replies and carelessness. "what could I do?", he says to me. Of all the methods he could have used, to change my mind, to convince me, to keep me... he did none. He fights harder for a good parking space.

I made the right choice. He reinforced that knowledge with his replies. So, though, it was not the, "farewell my love", I would have preferred, he definitely left me with the peace of mind, that he is not, was never, and will never be the right man for me.

But closure? That is not what I have gained. I have openness and the foresight to see people and situations clearly, as what they are, and not what I want them to be.

Training

I am driven by emotion. Many people will say that is an undesirable attribute, unless they are a communication studies major at EIU! Emotions assist us in making moral decisions, building strong relationships with family and friends, and amongst other things, emotions give us the drive to be ambitious. Emotions make us human. In my opinion, our emotions are are strongest attribute, when trained the correct way.

When your emotions drag you into a drunken street fight, illegal activity, or anything foolish... you need to train them. It is often referred to as putting your emotions in check. Our greatest weapon has to be treated delicately, like a Pitt bull. If trained properly, they will protect you, look out for your best interest, and keep you warm while their weight shifts at the foot of your bed. But untrained, they will hurt you and those around you.

The emotion that gets the best of me often is loneliness. My daughter's father pursued with me the tenacity an adult, when we were 13 (little did i know at the time he had seen alot and had to grow up too fast). When we parted ways four years later, I quickly met someone else. He irritated me so i left him, and quickly met someone else. Then he pissed me off. And the cycled continued for over 3 years. I had the worse of both worlds. My emotions drove me to continuously desire a relationship (partly because I was accustomed to it, never really been alone). And my other emotion was my temper. I was so easily agitated, so willing to throw the man away.

In that way my emotions did not serve my best interest. I could not control my longing for a relationship so I tried my hand at being more tolerant... we all see how that turned out. I meta morphed into a door mat. Maybe I picked the wrong person to be tolerant with. Or maybe, instead of becoming more tolerant, I should have tried to suppress my longing for male companionship. My daughter's father truly spoiled me. I did not realize it, until I entered the real world. He treated me like a man treats his wife. He put my needs before his. His mom didn't keep any food in the fridge, but if i was hungry he would spend his last 3 dollars to buy me fast food, knowing full well I could go home and eat, and he'd be hungry all night. He would stand in the rain with no coat (because he put it over my head) and wait with me till my bus came, and many other selfless acts. Too bad he turned to a life of crime and womanizing. But I digress, my emotions drive me to seek out that same type of treatment and companionship in the present. When the truth is, I need sometime to be alone. Some time for self discovery, for healing, for growing, for focus. My emotions will have me up at night texting ex boyfriend's that are ex's for a reason...

I must train my emotions to see what's best for me. But... I don't know how. Open for suggestions...

Two Fold Affections

It is often very difficult to analyze ourselves. Mostly because analysis requires observation. How difficult is it to be the observed as well as the observer? However, I have found that writing down a series of actions and trying to view them objectively (typically from the outside looking in), you can see things a bit clearly.

I am obsessed with such things. I despise time wasting (unless I'm relaxing :-). So when I feel that any person, place, or situation has wasted my time. I will search the seven seas to find purpose in that person, place, or situation. I am a person who needs the peace of mind of being able to honestly say "it was a learning experience", if I can't... I feel foolish. Those of you who follow my blog or simply know me, know that I spent over 2 yrs in a hopeless relationship. When I look back on all he did do, he didn't, lied about, poorly reacted to, etc... I have to ask myself why did I tolerate. Because I am not a tolerant woman by nature. People would always ask me why I liked him. Because they were looking at the way he treated me. I would reply to them with a list of qualities he possessed, (funny, smart, good listener, down to earth,....). It was tonight that I discovered something that we all know, but do sometimes we don not realize we know.

Affections for someone come from one of two places, or both. There's how they treat you, and there's how they are. You can have feelings for someone because of their qualities. All the personality characteristics that you find admirable, desirable, and compatible with your own. This is usually the base of a relationship. The other column, is how they treat you. This person calls me often, brings me flowers, showers me with words of affirmation. I always liked Mr. R. Never liked the nonchalant fashion in which he treated me.

But the interesting part, is that he liked me for the other reason. He lost genuine interest in me a couple months into the dating because I pushed for a commitment. But he hung around, because I was willing to hop in my car and come to him, where ever he was ... no matter what I was doing or where I was at. His college career was ending when we met. I would send him encouraging texts before each interview. I never with held sex, helped him with anything he asked me too, even cleaned his filthy apartment.

So together we remained... we would part ways only to connect again... because I dug him... and he dug the way I treated him. Simple right? It didn't use to seem so. I could not understand why a man who said he did not love me, could not let me go. To be honest... his actions were reminiscent of a woman dating a man in medical school who she doesn't like. He liked what I had to offer: both what I currently brought to the table as well as the finances and potential (he perceived) I would bring to the table later on down the line.

So what did I learn? Again, fairly simple. Affections for anyone must come from both categories. The person's personality as well as how they treat you. If either of you are trying to build a relationship, neglecting the other column.. the house will collapse.

He Loves Me Not

On and off again... on and off again, that seems to be the pattern of the relationship I've been in for over the past two years. Mainly because I never know whether or not I can deal with being with someone who does not have feelings for me, that are as strong as the feelings I have for them. I mean it's not necessarily a deal breaker... or is it? How important is it that 2 people have the same level of emotion for one another at the same time? People do fall in love at different times right? Or is that wrong? Some days I can deal with loving a man who doesn't love me, because he says that he will, he just needs more time. But on the other hand, considering the amount of time that has lapsed, sometimes I think he'll never have substantial feelings.

Now his behavior has improved. He used to treat me like one of the guys... and now he treats me like a girl he likes. But because of his very slow movement forward. My feelings have began to move backward. The intense longing I use to have for him before I went to bed and when I woke up, has faded.

This could be due to the revelation I recently had. Rather or not I can cope with not hearing those 3 special words use to be a big topic of thought for me. But after a while, it became no big deal. They truly are just words, contrary to popular belief..

But what I cannot cope with is the treatment. I can no longer be treated like a girl that a guy just likes. Not at this stage of the game. The following will be a list of his actions, versus the action I wanted. The actions I wanted, were that of a man who loves his woman.

When a man likes a woman, and she's facing possible homelessness when she comes home from school, he consoles her. Tell her everything will be OK. When he loves her, his urge is to protect her, therefore he opens his arms and his doors to her despite the inconvenience it may cause. When he likes a woman he makes her familiar with his friends. But when he loves her, he makes her familiar with his family, because he wants those ties to her. When he likes a woman, and he does not have a phone he emails her and tries to make her laugh. But when he loves her, he'll spend the 30 bucks for a pre-paid phone, and 20 bucks for minutes so that he can at least call her and say goodnight. And lastly, when he likes a woman and she expresses concerns about where she stands in his life after his children come to reside with him, he gets standoffish because he thinks she's trying to make him choose between her and his kids. But if he loves her, he understands her concerns, he reassures her that there's room for her, and that he and her are a team. He starts making plans to get a bigger crib (down the road) so all them can fit.

I can deal with not hearing it, but I can no longer wait to feel loved. What makes this time different than all the rest? I am no longer wondering what I can and can't deal with. I know that I am not getting ALL that I need from this relationship. Now I just have to tell him, in a way that conveys the finality of this decision. Can't allow him to distract me from the issue. Wish me luck.

Are Good Terms a Good Thing?

So, I have an ex. Hands down he is the most annoying ex I have. Everything he says is either boring, stupid, superficial, or down right ridiculous. His logic is blurred. What makes it worse is he is always professing his undying love for me... Which has an effect on me.... that could not be further from flattery. I really have to count my blessings that we were able to part ways, no strings attached. As crazy as I was about him 5 years ago, I cannot bare a conversation with him presently. And to add insult to injury, he still owes me over 400 bucks for a phone bill. And has the nerve to get irritated when I bring it up. Why do I converse with him at all?

I feel the inept need to be on good terms with people. I really hate to have unnecessary enemies. Just knowing there is a person out there that I don't even want to speak to in passing, leaves a bad taste in my mouth. So, when dealing withmore difficult persons, I attempt to (as the old people say) feed them with a sling shot or a long handle spoon. But some people cannot be fed at all. You have to fast them out. Starve them out of your life. The acquaintance cannot be nurtured at all. Because when a person is utterly irritating, and the mere sound of their retarded voice, insights rage in your underbelly... maybe being on good terms is not good. Why do many of us fear "bad terms"? If a person cannot positively contribute to your life on even a sociable level, what is their purpose? Should we endure intellectually deprived conversations for the sake of good terms? Must we read, forward, and/or reply to crass, "religious", and often times pointless chain letter texts messages? to be nice? and be on good terms with these people?

Some of these people are idiots, imbeciles, and/or complete morons...And I hate to judge so harshly, but these are the thoughts that saturate my mind when I speak to this man. I harbor no hard feelings about the failure of the relationship, but his present stupidity and hallow words of affirmation really grinds my gears. But because because he's "nice", I should be on good terms with him? What the hell for? UGH!

Drama is Interesting

I thought about my blog today. I have not blogged recently. My blogs are always about dilemmas, problems, drama, pain, and/or conflict. But right now, all is right. Doing well (B or better) in 4 out of 5 classes. Getting along great with all family and all friends. My boyfriend is more compromising, compassionate, affectionate, and generous than ever. I have written multiple blogs about his short comings. But when he is worthy of praise.. it's not worth mentioning? Is it because I like drama? Do I think positive situations, encounters, and people aren't interesting? Am I right is the more important question?? Does anyone want to read 3-5 paragraphs about my happiness??? No! it's sappy, it's boring, and it's annoying. What does this mean, that I cannot indulge in blogging unless I am miserable or simply content at best? I once saw a movie that said that good writers cannot be happy. Are we so pessimistic and sick as a species that we can only get excited or emotional about someone Else's sorrow?? I am frustrated and without solution...:-(

Forgiveness

Through a series of emails and conversations with my ex, R.L (that are too lengthy to describe) I decided to forgive him. And give things another go. I do want to be with him and he wants to be with me. That's as good a reason as any. But the interesting part is that the correspondence that lead to this decision took about two weeks. Two weeks, to go from despising him to forgiving him...

Most of us ladies are familiar with forgiving our men. But how long does it take to forgive another woman? In the past year, I had to friendships evaporate. They were both short lived friendships with women. Neither of them had upset me as regularly as R.L did. But he had been forgiven and they had not. Why?

Firstly, he has little sumn they don't ;-)
But besides that, a woman is not going to consistently email or call another woman beckoning forgiveness (most time) like a man will. It is easy, to forgive someone who request it consistently. Because you decide, that they "deserve" your forgiveness.

But what about what you deserve? You deserve to live without hate or resentment in your heart, your mind, or your body. This may sound like a cliche' but you forgive people, for you, not for them. I sent a facebook message to both young ladies. They have not replied back. If they do, great! But if they don't, that's OK. I did not send the messages with the hope of correspondence. I sent those messages, for peace of mind, to forgive them for the ways they hurt me, and request forgiveness myself. Whether their forgiveness is granted or not, I feel better. Eitherway I feel like I did something productive with my day. I feel like I casted out any remaining negative energy.

This approach may not fit you or the situation. But find a way to forgive those whom you have bad blood with. You don't have to message them (unless your comfortable), you don't have to text them saying you forgive them. When you've relinquished all disdain for that person. When you can think of them, without any negative emotion....you've done what you needed to do, FOR YOU!

MORE

Those of you who follow my blog, know that I recently had a breakthrough; concerning what I truly value in a man. A conversation with my mama lead me to see that my longest and most serious relationships have been with men who matched me intellectually and sexually. And after I pondered it continuously. I realized one thing, despite my relationships with those men being most notable. I am not with ANY of them currently. 4 out 5 of those relationship were ceased by my wishes. So, if they had the two attributes that matter to me the most, why aren't I with them??

Because, absent from the other qualities I want, those two qualities are not that valuable. Sure, those qualities are important to me, but they will not sustain the relationship alone. They are only incentive to hang in there and see how things develop. My "hanging in there", can range from 5 months to 2 years (roughly). But at some point I am going to want MORE. And when I don't get it, those relationships dissolve. Only with more pain, disappointment, and resentment because of time invested.

This became a little more clear when I received a recent email from R.L. We had been emailing for about a week. And I thought the same thing after each email. I NEED MORE. I asked him why he could never love me (since that was a big issue during our dating) he said I'M TRYING TO. I need more than a man trying to love me. I need to be saturated by his affections. In another email he said DIDN'T WE HAVE FUN? I need more than a good time. He asked me when I was coming home. I told him to send me 40 bucks to get there (just to see what he would say). And he offers me 20. I need a man who doesn't max out the amount he can spend on me at 20 bucks. Especially when he claims to be trying to get in my good graces.

The bottom line, it was important for me to be able to recognize what really stimulates me (in regards to the opposite sex). But it is equally important to recognize that those things cannot stand alone. They might be the meat. But a person doesn't eat chicken alone. We need fries, we need bread, we need a can pop:-)

Thanks 4 Reading!

Who Knows What You Want?

My mother blew my mind last night. It is amazing how clearly other people see us. And how blurred our vision of our self is. I have a had my share of unsuccessful "attempted" relationships. Often times, I think a guy is the best thing since sliced bread. And within a couple weeks, I find myself distancing myself. There have been a handful of exceptions made. The longest (with the exception of my daughter's father) is my ex. Let's call him R.L. I never understood what drew me to R.L with such intensity. I never understood why I put up with so much unacceptable behavior.
Now, let's fast forward into the present. I recently entered my first "shack up" situation. An "old flame" from 2006 resurfaced, just as my relationship with R.L came to a halt. Within a couple months, I invited him to move in (I mentioned "old flame" in my last post). Last night, my mother called. We began with usual small talk and gossip about family members. And then, out of no where she asked, "are you tired of him yet?". I was flabbergasted... because.... I AM!
I asked her how she knew, and she said. "You get bored with men easily, he has to be your match intellectually and sexually. If he is lacking in either area you will tire of him. Look at the handful of relationships you took seriously. What did they all have in common?" Talk about a MINDFREAK. Chris Angel ain't got nothing on my mama! For years I have pondered and struggled trying to figure out why I cannot just settle down. Surprisingly enough, not many men have had those (seemingly) simple two attributes nailed down. And the ones who did, were difficult men. Difficult to hold on to. Those attributes made them vain. And just like that the mystery was solved!
If some one were to ask me what I wanted in a man I would have given them a laundry list of characteristics (none of which would have been great sex from a braniac). I would say I wanted a gentleman, a strong guy, a funny guy, someone who's responsible, dependable, generous, kind, and some other stuff too. But I have met men with those attributes... and things didn't pan out. I couldn't figure out why.
At this point (while still on the phone with my mom) I need to speak freely. The apartment is very small, so i go outside and get in the car. Then I tell her how I'm annoyed by him. We don't have anything in common. He's not very smart and things are not going well sexually. She says she wish she didn't know me so well. (SIDE NOTE: he has the qualities on the laundry list).
Then she tells me that I moved him in with me because I was lonesome and I thought him being there would help me get over my ex. BINGO!!!!
Talk about hitting the nail on the head. My mother knows me far better than i know myself. I have wasted so much time and made so many naive decisions that i would not have made, had I had this information. I asked her why didn't she tell me sooner. She said she thought I knew. I have so much clarity in terms of my future endeavors (knowing is half the battle). But what do I do with my current endeavor. I'm sharing my home with someone who I have lost interest in.... What can i do? I have made this major decision because I didn't know what I wanted. Now that I do, what do i do?

Lesson For The Day: Ask someone who knows you, to tell you something that they observed about you. It doesn't have to be opposite sex related. It could be anything. You may get an eye opener.

The Cover Up

So I'm laying on a leather table that reminds me of the one at my gynecologist office. I'm tense, I'm cold, and I'm in pain. Why? Because like many love sick young women, I have a man's name tattooed on me. And, like many other mistakes people make, I am trying to cover it up. The pain of this tattoo doubles the last one. All the detail that it needs, all the concentration it takes, and all the time it takes really made me think. The original tatt didn't even take 15 minutes. This one took 45. The original tatt cost 20 bucks, this one cost 55. The original tatt felt like a pinch, this one felt like a drill. Why is it that in life, when we do something stupid... it takes double the money, triple the time, and four times the pain to fix???



Ladies, we must be more careful. Some lessons are learned the hard way, but that shouldn't be every lesson. When I got the original tatt... I disregarded the opinion of the friend who accompanied me. I didn't tell my mom. Hid it from my kid. Got it in an area where no one could see it, and i got it small... just in case I would need to cover it up later. I submit to you that when this many precautions need to be taken... maybe you know what you're doing is not a good idea. Maybe your ashamed, or maybe you just had a bad feeling about it. So, why would you ignore your first mind?



Is it really a mistake I covered up? Mistakes are accidents. Or was I really covering up my bad judgment, my immaturity, my foolishness, and my desperation?



And if that is the case? Can those things really be covered up? Do I think about my decisions, in regards to that relationship, any less now that I can't look down and see his name? Not really, I dreamed about him today. He's a part of my subconscious (for now).... can't cover that up.



I am not saying that getting the tattoo covered was a waste of time. It definitely was not. That tattoo was basically a brand. Animals are branded to identify their owner. What I am saying is that it did not have the affect I tought it would. It didn't erase him. Covering something doesn't delete it.

In good conditions, we can fix a problem. In other conditions, we can only cover them. Think about that before you make your next decision.

Getting Over and Getting On

What do you do with disappointment? Do you try to forget about, overlook it, sulk in it, or tell yourself you did your best?
Well, what if you did your best but didn’t use your best judgment? What happens when your disappointed with yourself?
What do you tell yourself when you acted foolishly, irrationally, and ridiculously emotional? How frustrated are you when you can’t figure out what you were thinking, or when you cannot comprehend your own logic/actions?
Do you hit yourself with the good ol’ at least I learned something script? Well what exactly did you learn? That you put yourself in a compromising situation for absolutely no reason? Perhaps you put yourself out there emotionally without reciprocation, repeatedly.

As I look back at my only adult relationship that was substantial… I realize that my actions, my thinking, and my theories were… so heavily flawed. I feel like such a fool. The only man I ever loved is a man that didn’t love me, didn’t appreciate me, and barely respected me. I am irritated every time I think of an incident when I was mistreated and devalued, I am enraged. I try to transfer that rage into relief; relief that I am free from constant disappointment, trying to smother my resentment, and investing largely and receiving nothing. But I don’t feel relief. I feel anger. Anger at myself for falling for such a man. Anger at myself for how long I dealt with the unthinkable. Forgave the unforgiveable. Endured heart break after heart break. I’m so PISSED! How could I be so blind! So stupid!???
HOOOOOW?
Why wouldn’t I let him go?

From the 1st time I spent time with him, I was so taken with, so engulfed by him, never felt so strongely for a man. That means he’s the one right? NO! it doesn’t because he never felt the same way. I pursued him vigorously. Occasionally he would throw me a bone with some small display of reciprocation. And it was always enough 4 me. He was selfish, irresponsible, inconsiderate, ungrateful, easily agitated, cheap, and inattentive to my needs/feelings. This may sound cliché but the relationship was truly an emotional roller coaster, because every time I thought things were changing, he’d show me just how much, they hadn’t. And the truth is I’m still hurt. I say I need time to deal with this the demise of the relationship, but what does that mean? Deal with it… does that mean accept it, forget it, or understand? I may never understand why I felt so much and he felt so little. I want to get over him. And I’m making progress. But it’s not moving fast enough. I don’t want to ever think of him again.It angers me when I do.

Also, I have a new man… and he is a good man. And there are only a handful of men I’ve ever said that about. He’s everything I want in a man in terms of his character. I once wrote a list, he has every attribute. He’s also cute and funny and I like him. But part of me has these unresolved issues from the past. And I don’t think I’m fully healed. But does that mean I should just be alone a while longer? Should I just pass up a good one? To mourn a bad one? But can I really give my all with all this resentment (though not aimed at him). How do I deal with these issues? They don’t affect the way I treat my mate. But I think I hold back a lot emotionally. I feel like I have a wall around me because I'm scared. I really am scared of getting hurt again. What’s a girl to do?

Upgrade to First Class Mommy

I have always wanted to be a better mother. When it comes to being a good mom, there is always room for improvement. But for a long time, I felt like I was at a stand still. Such as, my daughter and I were always together, but not together. She's been in my presence pretty much everyday of her life, but I found it difficult, to find activities we could do together.. Well, I wasn't really looking. I made so many sacrifices to take care of her, that I kind of felt, like my job was done. I was a single parent. I put the clothes on her back and the food in her mouth. And I did these things by myself, when I was a young girl, (I may have felt a bit of resentment)but providing for her only scratched the surface of what a mother should do.

This was the first summer my daughter went to see her father in Michigan. I missed her monstrously. My daughter is my number one fan. She constantly tells me she loves me, tells me I'm pretty, she's so excited about everything I do and say, and her love for me reminds me of how my mother loves me. It's unconditional. I vowed to be "funner" when she came back. Then, due to my forgetfulness, we had to share a television. So we spent all day in the same room together (well not ALL day). School had not began, my summer job was over, and it was just she and I. And I wouldn't take back those two weeks for anything in the world. I grew a true appreciation for her and for being a mother. There is truly no better gift than a child. She is like clay. I can mold her into the type of woman I want her to be (the type of woman I want to be as well). I have this awesome opportunity, to love, mold, educate, arm, and raise a successful woman. It is an honor, a challenge, and huge responsibility with huge rewards.

I shamefully must admit, I saw her primarily as a burden, a hurtle, and a true handful. Now when I see my daughter, even just getting off the school bus, I am just as excited as she is. I make daily plans for us, so she wont be bored. I recently taught her how to play checkers, how to ride a bike on two wheels, how to have a REAL water gun fight, and we've even started a movie night! I feel so evolved in my parenting. Even with my discipline, I used to feel so helpless to control her. I don't know if she's gotten better or I've gotten better.. OR if we're getting better together. She'll be seven years old next month, and I am just now feeling like I have the hang of this parenting thing. But instead of being saddened by how long it took me. I am delighted at how many years we have a head of us, for me to continue upgrading myself to the type of mother I can be proud of being. Have you upgraded at least one dimension of your character lately?

FEED ME

I am confused. That is not a common emotion for me. I am usually so sure (or at least I always feel sure). But now, I don't know what I'm feeling from one moment to the next. I thought I was lonely after the demise of my relationship. But recently, I received a medium/large amount of attention from a cute guy. He was cute and funny, and there was a time when I really liked him (but I had a man). However, I was annoyed by the attention. I couldn't wait for the kisses to end, for him to let go during the hug, and for him to get out when I decided the visit should be ending. It has been 24 hrs since I saw him.. and now I am lonely. But I do not long for his presence. What is my problem. He's attractive, attentive, funny, and I liked or like him. I want to be alone but I don't want to be alone. I am lonely, but I'm crowded. So, what is it that plagues me? Perhaps, the problem is that I'm not lonely. Maybe I am bored. When I don't have anything to do, my first urge is to be sociable. I want to talk. When I have no one to talk to, I interpret it as loneliness. But I could call anyone. I have friends. I have family. If I want to talk so bad, why don't I make the call?? Maybe because phone calls, text messages, and IM's are like samples at the super market. I can never get enough. They are no substitute for a real meal. My equivalent of a real meal in regards of conversation is an in person conversation. It's the best. A conversation about something of substance with somebody of substance is the heartiest meal of all. So maybe I'm not lonely, maybe I am hungry. But the food I need is not readily available in my refrigerator, so I stay up all hours of the night, starving; eating samples... not until I'm full.. but until I'm tired of them. So now that I have gotten to the root of my issue. How can I solve it? I will never have a person willing/able to come to my home, at my beckon call, accompanied by an interesting conversation piece. So what is the solution. I cannot even entertain talking to myself like some type of whack job. But I could... write to myself. I am not as hungry as I was, when I began this composition. And after I finish this. I'll go back and read it about three times. I always do that, lol. I don't even know why. I am certainly not looking for errors. I used spell check for that. I am not full now. But my hunger pain has went away. There aren't always perfect solutions. Sometimes, all we have are substitutions. I believe I have found a suitable substitution, for the time being. How do you fill your tummy??

Does "single" equal "freedom"?

I am now single. I never enjoyed the so called freedom that is acquainted with the single life. That may have something to do with my status as a single mother. I haven’t been free since 7:18pm on September 30, 2002. I was 17 on that evening. And prior to that, I was not free because I was a minor and my mother owned me (for the most part). I have never been able to come and go when I please. Therefore, I have always despised being single. I never could think of one way in which it was beneficial. I recently encountered a hurtful break up; my first heartache in my adult life. And that is when I discovered the first benefit to being single, there’s no possibility of a break up. You must be in awesome mental shape to endure a broken heart. If not…your work, your education, your family ties, and your social life may suffer tremendously. Still, this concept of freedom through functioning in casual associations exclusively... I still cannot grasp it.
Though I do not understand that theory I did feel a cool breeze of relief after my break up. My man was a full time blue collar job. He required so much, and the payout was minuscule. He needed his resume done, constant cover letters, some of my food stamps, his phone bill paid, for me to pay for his trips down to my school, shirt and ties for interviews, and a slew of other needs. I gave and gave and gave and gave, because he always appeared to be a guy who could flourish with the right support. And it is fine to help someone. But helping him meant… no thank you would be uttered. He was the worst of both worlds; needy yet distant. He required so much, and if I needed 5 bucks (during a period when he was employed) he would say he didn’t have it. If I said I wanted to go to the movies, he would say we would go… (We never made it) but the next time I called him, he was at the movies with one of his slob friends. But I continued to think, that if I continued to be supportive, that one magical day, he would wake up and see what he had….HA!
I spent many days full of anxiety in terms of his where abouts, our relationship, and the value or lack thereof that he placed on me. And then on a day I felt especially fed up, I ended it. And as instant as Uncle Ben’s minute rice, I felt a hulk sized weight lifted off my shoulders. I was saddened by my failure to make the relationship successful. I was disappointed because I felt like I had wasted a plethora of time, emotional energy, and money. I was displeased at the thought of leaving my comfort zone and getting back “out there”. The thought of meeting someone else and finding out all their issues … ugh!
But I was excited by the possibility of being able to start fresh with someone; without having to “overcome” so many obstacles, overlook so many flaws, and suppress so many unpleasant past events. I was pleased at the thought of not having to spend my money on anyone but myself and my child. I was joyful when I realized I wouldn’t have to balance a work load of not only my homework, but also his clerical/writing needs. I felt liberated that night when I didn’t have to keep my phone near me from fear of missing his call! And I felt loved, when I was no longer waiting to hear him say it. So, I felt excited, pleased, joyful, liberated, and loved once I became single. So… yeah maybe I felt free. Maybe I did experience freedom from relinquishing that relationship. However, at best, that relationship was… unhealthy and disproportioned. Maybe the freedom of the single life exclusively applies to escaping a bad relationship. Like Tim Robbins tunneling through feces to freedom in Shaw Shank Redemption. Maybe if you feel free after leaving a relationship, it’s because you were in prison.
But if you weren’t in a troublesome relationship… perhaps you’re using the word free as a replacement for the word lonely.

How Relevant is the Past?

Just how relevant is the past? What I have learned is that sometimes the smallest thing done to you in the past, can still affect you. Whereas some big things you’ve done to someone else, you don’t even remember. I was confronted by an old grammar school classmate, on MySpace, and he told me about all these occasions that I teased him. I could vaguely remember one of those incidents. But, I thought to myself, wow, what a loser. For him to even remember that stuff MUST mean he doesn’t have a life. Then, I ran across a girl on Face book; a girl who had infuriated me on like three occasions in 8th and 9th grade. And when I saw her on mutual friend’s page, I went wild. I called her every bad word I could think of. And she asked me “where is all this coming from”? I broke down every incident to her, and she could barely remember any one of the incidents.
I thought of this analogy when talking to my boyfriend today. There are things from the past that he has said and done and not said and done. Some things I mentioned to him, other things I did not. But today was one of those days. I had so many questions as to his reasoning. He had behaved in ways that I did not understand so many times in the past, that I wasn’t sure of how he felt about me in the present. And he kept saying he didn’t remember the incidents when he didn’t return my call or my text. And when he did remember something, he didn’t remember why things went that particular way. I find myself trying to not let things from over a year ago plague me today. But I can’t help it. I can’t help but feel, that because of his nonchalant and un at tentative behavior towards me in the past that he doesn’t really care for me. Or that he didn’t like me, but because I “kept hanging around”; he eventually said what the heck. I can’t help but feel that way. He called me four times today. He listens to me nag regularly. He’s not good at expressing his emotions, but he tries. He’s sits on the phone with me till 4am three to four times a week, just because I want to talk. But despite his CURRENT behavior, I cannot stop thinking about all the times he didn’t call, he didn’t text, and I felt like he didn’t care. So what can I do?
Can I force myself to forget what is so vivid in my mind? Is it so vivid because it’s relevant? Am I over reacting? Is he under reacting? Every time I dig into the past, I hit a brick wall. He’s unreceptive to the conversation. He just says sorry, but what I want is an explanation. Was he seeing somebody else back then, and it didn’t work out? How else could a man go from being COMPLETELY nonchalant about a woman, to not wanting to be without her, in the span of two years (when he spent the first year and a half kind of being a jerk).
This blog doesn’t have a conclusion. I am looking for one.

Is Grad School Worth Dying For?

There’s this saying… Go with your first mind. Some old sayings are just that…. OLD. Your first thought is often you’re uninformed, uncompromised, and therefore unbalanced thought. I recently made a decision that required me to fight my first mind. And I would like to encourage others to explore some new options as well. Happy reading!

I don’t know if it was growing up in a family where college graduation wasn’t the norm, that gave me a warped view of college. I always knew I wanted to go to college, but I was going for a… degree, a Bachelors Degree ONLY! Bachelors Degree… Masters Degree…. Doctorate Degree…. You know what they are? Well I always thought they were pieces of paper behind the glass. Unlike a marriage license, they did not legalize anything. However, I always recognized the fact that these sheets of paper gave the person bearing it power. And by power I mean, MONEY. And that was where their significance ended for me.

It wasn’t until I viewed the course descriptions for the classes offered in the Masters program at DePaul University, that I realized that I REALLY want to know that stuff! The classes were interesting and much more conducive to my field than all the crud we have to take in undergrad. In a four year degree (at EIU), there are four classes that are directly connected with my concentration, which is Media Production. The Masters program that I am looking at consist of thirteen courses, ALL of which will make me a master of my field, no pun intended.

So, I went through five stages. Denial: Believing that I did not want or need a Masters. Then I was Angry: I was so frustrated with EVERYONE running around talking about earning their Masters; why is everyone obsessed with this stupid piece of paper?! Then I moved on to Bargaining: Well, if I went to grad school, how long would it take? Well if it can be done by the time I’m 27… I might think about it. Then I became Depressed: this past year I have relished the thought of telling school to kiss my hind parts in May 2010. But now… I realize I ‘m walking out of one classroom… and into the next one. And last, but certainly not least I Accepted: I accepted the fact that I would best serve myself and my child by just taking a couple more strides, after all, what’s a few more strides when I’ve ran a marathon. Now, I do realize that I have just described the decision to go to grad school using Kubler Ross’ Five Stages of Death. Isn’t that lively! But, there was a death, the death of old ideas. And you know the saying, whenever there is a death, there’s a birth. So simultaneously, old thoughts died and a new goal was born, all in the course of one day.