He Loves Me Not

On and off again... on and off again, that seems to be the pattern of the relationship I've been in for over the past two years. Mainly because I never know whether or not I can deal with being with someone who does not have feelings for me, that are as strong as the feelings I have for them. I mean it's not necessarily a deal breaker... or is it? How important is it that 2 people have the same level of emotion for one another at the same time? People do fall in love at different times right? Or is that wrong? Some days I can deal with loving a man who doesn't love me, because he says that he will, he just needs more time. But on the other hand, considering the amount of time that has lapsed, sometimes I think he'll never have substantial feelings.

Now his behavior has improved. He used to treat me like one of the guys... and now he treats me like a girl he likes. But because of his very slow movement forward. My feelings have began to move backward. The intense longing I use to have for him before I went to bed and when I woke up, has faded.

This could be due to the revelation I recently had. Rather or not I can cope with not hearing those 3 special words use to be a big topic of thought for me. But after a while, it became no big deal. They truly are just words, contrary to popular belief..

But what I cannot cope with is the treatment. I can no longer be treated like a girl that a guy just likes. Not at this stage of the game. The following will be a list of his actions, versus the action I wanted. The actions I wanted, were that of a man who loves his woman.

When a man likes a woman, and she's facing possible homelessness when she comes home from school, he consoles her. Tell her everything will be OK. When he loves her, his urge is to protect her, therefore he opens his arms and his doors to her despite the inconvenience it may cause. When he likes a woman he makes her familiar with his friends. But when he loves her, he makes her familiar with his family, because he wants those ties to her. When he likes a woman, and he does not have a phone he emails her and tries to make her laugh. But when he loves her, he'll spend the 30 bucks for a pre-paid phone, and 20 bucks for minutes so that he can at least call her and say goodnight. And lastly, when he likes a woman and she expresses concerns about where she stands in his life after his children come to reside with him, he gets standoffish because he thinks she's trying to make him choose between her and his kids. But if he loves her, he understands her concerns, he reassures her that there's room for her, and that he and her are a team. He starts making plans to get a bigger crib (down the road) so all them can fit.

I can deal with not hearing it, but I can no longer wait to feel loved. What makes this time different than all the rest? I am no longer wondering what I can and can't deal with. I know that I am not getting ALL that I need from this relationship. Now I just have to tell him, in a way that conveys the finality of this decision. Can't allow him to distract me from the issue. Wish me luck.