Me NOT We

I have always been relationship-ie..lol. Meaning, whenever I made a decision, I would always think of the ways this decision positively or negatively would affect the relationship I was in. When my daughter's father and I were young; I begged my mom to transfer me to the high school he went to. I gave her a lot of bull reasons. But the real reason was him.


I have seen so many images of career-driven lonely women over the years. I have seen so many films, shows, articles, and novels that (at some point) describe a woman or women who did away with love, for the greater goal of chasing their career aspirations. They always ended up soaked in regret and unable to have children once they were "Finally" ready to conceive. The image of the old maid has often plagued me. I want to get married and have children (well, more children). I have a real fear of growing old alone or pathetically chasing after men half my age. I know many of you are thinking I'm crazy. "You're only 25", you say to me through the screen... but you won't leave a comment:-)

The truth is, being alone and unhappy are honest fears of mine. However, I have recently had, yet another epiphany. This one stems from something my "dad" said. One of the only useful things he ever said, "you cannot put your happiness in someone else's hands". If what makes me happy is my man; being around him, receiving words of affirmation from him, and being flattered when he comes home bearing gifts... what happens when he's not around, when he's not saying anything sweet, and when he's empty-handed on my birthday??

Now, I am not only "not happy", I'm furious. Because the extreme positive emotion I felt when he was attentive has done a complete 180. Living in this way, with my happiness built on what a man is or is not doing, could land me in a straight jacket. If I choose a man, over....anything.... A job, an opportunity, relocation possibilities. When that man does not behave right, cheats me, or even leaves me... what do I do?

But, if I am ambitious; and I pursue a career and a life that is fulfilling.... If my life’s work is something I can be proud of and enjoy... if I wake up in the morning eager! I have found the root of true happiness. A happiness that is based purely on what I do. Not on what someone else does or does not do. This type of happiness is sustainable and unconditional.

Relationship happiness is like the stock market. One minute you’re up... the next minute, your stock has crashed, and you’re stone broke. Even if you had a long term happy healthy relationship... is being "we", ever more important than being "I"?? We have to go out there, chase our dreams, meet or goals (at least the preliminary ones), travel if we want to, and be in a position to open that door every time opportunity knocks. If you ignore those knocks to "lay up", you'll regret it no matter how good of a man he is. Seek YOUR happiness, not "our" happiness. And ALL happiness will come to you.

Passion

My sister touches my dress, rubs the material between her thumb and her index finger and says "I could make this". My sister is majoring in fashion design at Columbia College. And I am so green with envy! Not because I want to study fashion. But because she is so proud of what she does. She has portfolios, samples, a mannequin, a sewing machine... we can't step foot in Walmart without her looking for new fabrics. She has a genuine passion. Me on the other hand, my interest varies depending on the class I'm in. When I had broadcasting classes I wanted to be an anchor. When I first began media production classes, I want to be a director. Toward the end of my college career, I have taken communication courses that were more business related, and now, that's where my interest lies.

I should have a whole plan for my life and I don't. All I know is that I want stability, yet I bore easily. I have a history of losing interest in jobs, hobbies, men. I need to be constantly engaged. But I don't think that's the way the world works. I am trying to find my niche in this world. But, I don't know what it is. What am I passionate about? Success. I just want to be successful and able to provide for myself and my daughter in abundance. So, next logical question is what do I like??

Well, like most people, I like to talk. Other than that, I like to write, and I like to help people, mainly in the form of encouragement. Who talks, writes, and encourages?? Human resources coordinators? Motivational speaker?  I'm not sure, about writing. What would I write? Can't feed myself from writing my blog...

I am anxious to find my passion. How can I be a career woman... with no clear career path to follow? I am hoping for suggestions...

Keep It, You'll Grow Into It

I am a writer. There I said it. For the longest time I did not like the idea. Friends, family, and many teachers have attempted to encourage me to embrace my writing skills. But during grammar school, high school, and most of college, writing was either one of two things: a necessary evil to excel to the next academic level, and/or a means of extracting emotions and ideas (mostly Dear John letters, poems, and angry letters to my mom when I was a teenager). I never enjoyed writing.

One of the biggest reasons is because authors were never glamorous enough for me. I wanted to be a singer, a dancer, an actress.... a person in the spot light. I wanted beautiful clothes, to be interviewed, to be looked up to, to be rich, popular, beautiful and fun. And an author, to my knowledge, was none of the above. Before Carrie Bradshaw, my visualization of writers was... scary. Knitted sweater wearing shut ins with type writers and glasses. Often times, I would envision Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" or James Caan, in "Misery". Those images just didn't quite...do it for me. I could not identify with those actors' portrayals of authors.

Sure, there are plenty of female African American authors. I have seen their books on many shelves, and read my fair share. But my impressions of the life of writers were embedded early in life, via films like the ones I mentioned.

But as I have grown... mostly within the last two years.... I fit better and better into my writing clothes. When I originally received the clothes, many years ago. They were too big, not my style, and made me feel uncomfortable, like clothes that did not belong to me. But as I advance in age, those clothes begin to fit better and better. My sense of style has matured, so the clothes suit me now. Now I see these clothes as mine, not just something that was given to me.

For those of you who find yourselves with talents, potential, or "clothes", that don't seem to fit; I have a suggestion. Hang on to them, try them on occasionally, you just might grow into them, and grow to love them.

Make The Choice

I am a person who is always called to immediate action. I like "right now"! I have no patience, nor have I ever. And if I have to make the choice of going, doing, seeing, or participating in anything either right now or later on, NOW is my choice.

But immediate gratification and goals, do not go hand in hand. If I want to eat this donut right now, what effect does that have on my long term weight loss goal? If I want to have sex right now, how does that effect my long term goal of being in a committed relationship?? We have to reject the immediate gratification to meet long term goals.

But it is so difficult, to turn down something that you want (what ever it may be) when it is staring you in the face? How do you turn down what you want now for what you want later? How do you turn down a good paying job, to go to college for 4 yrs... and perhaps don't get a job afterwards??

The answer is, we MUST BELIEVE that what we want in the long term is of better quality, more substantial, more important, and much more fulfilling then what stands before us presently. We can't just want to believe it. We will fail every time, unless we are convinced!

But how do we convince ourselves?

That is a means we must all come up with, individually.

Right now, I am struggling to make the choice between instant satisfaction.... and delayed gratification... I hope I make the right choice. And I hope you do too.

Thanks for Reading.

Closure Closes What?

Up until today, I had not had any means of communication with my ex since January 13th, nearly a month ago. Apparently, I had him signed up to receive my blog. So he received the "The He Loves Me Not" post. So I never had to tell him we were done, he found out through the blog. (I have since, removed him from the list) Today, in the early morning hours, I emailed him, expressing frustration, and looking for closure. And... I did not feel very different after I wrote it. His answers and comments frustrated me further. What did i expect from him? This is a man who no one can expect anything from. What did I think he would say. Did I think he would give me some deep or profound information that would put my mind at ease? Leave me in peace and feeling whole? He's not that type of man. So, because he's unable to give me closure, does that mean I'll never have it?

Can I give it to myself? Do I even need it? What is it? What am I closing when I get closure? Am I closing the imaginary door he stood behind? Am I closing that ''chapter" of my life? Am I closing my heart to him? Those are all cliche's and hallow metaphors, to me. I cannot physically complete any of those task. But I can mentally? Meaning, use my imagination, lol. Is that going to make me feel better? In what world?

Realistically closure could be interpreted as peace. How do I come to peace with the decision I made? We are all satisfied with our decisions when we are positive that we have made the best decision. His nonchalant replies and carelessness. "what could I do?", he says to me. Of all the methods he could have used, to change my mind, to convince me, to keep me... he did none. He fights harder for a good parking space.

I made the right choice. He reinforced that knowledge with his replies. So, though, it was not the, "farewell my love", I would have preferred, he definitely left me with the peace of mind, that he is not, was never, and will never be the right man for me.

But closure? That is not what I have gained. I have openness and the foresight to see people and situations clearly, as what they are, and not what I want them to be.

Training

I am driven by emotion. Many people will say that is an undesirable attribute, unless they are a communication studies major at EIU! Emotions assist us in making moral decisions, building strong relationships with family and friends, and amongst other things, emotions give us the drive to be ambitious. Emotions make us human. In my opinion, our emotions are are strongest attribute, when trained the correct way.

When your emotions drag you into a drunken street fight, illegal activity, or anything foolish... you need to train them. It is often referred to as putting your emotions in check. Our greatest weapon has to be treated delicately, like a Pitt bull. If trained properly, they will protect you, look out for your best interest, and keep you warm while their weight shifts at the foot of your bed. But untrained, they will hurt you and those around you.

The emotion that gets the best of me often is loneliness. My daughter's father pursued with me the tenacity an adult, when we were 13 (little did i know at the time he had seen alot and had to grow up too fast). When we parted ways four years later, I quickly met someone else. He irritated me so i left him, and quickly met someone else. Then he pissed me off. And the cycled continued for over 3 years. I had the worse of both worlds. My emotions drove me to continuously desire a relationship (partly because I was accustomed to it, never really been alone). And my other emotion was my temper. I was so easily agitated, so willing to throw the man away.

In that way my emotions did not serve my best interest. I could not control my longing for a relationship so I tried my hand at being more tolerant... we all see how that turned out. I meta morphed into a door mat. Maybe I picked the wrong person to be tolerant with. Or maybe, instead of becoming more tolerant, I should have tried to suppress my longing for male companionship. My daughter's father truly spoiled me. I did not realize it, until I entered the real world. He treated me like a man treats his wife. He put my needs before his. His mom didn't keep any food in the fridge, but if i was hungry he would spend his last 3 dollars to buy me fast food, knowing full well I could go home and eat, and he'd be hungry all night. He would stand in the rain with no coat (because he put it over my head) and wait with me till my bus came, and many other selfless acts. Too bad he turned to a life of crime and womanizing. But I digress, my emotions drive me to seek out that same type of treatment and companionship in the present. When the truth is, I need sometime to be alone. Some time for self discovery, for healing, for growing, for focus. My emotions will have me up at night texting ex boyfriend's that are ex's for a reason...

I must train my emotions to see what's best for me. But... I don't know how. Open for suggestions...

Two Fold Affections

It is often very difficult to analyze ourselves. Mostly because analysis requires observation. How difficult is it to be the observed as well as the observer? However, I have found that writing down a series of actions and trying to view them objectively (typically from the outside looking in), you can see things a bit clearly.

I am obsessed with such things. I despise time wasting (unless I'm relaxing :-). So when I feel that any person, place, or situation has wasted my time. I will search the seven seas to find purpose in that person, place, or situation. I am a person who needs the peace of mind of being able to honestly say "it was a learning experience", if I can't... I feel foolish. Those of you who follow my blog or simply know me, know that I spent over 2 yrs in a hopeless relationship. When I look back on all he did do, he didn't, lied about, poorly reacted to, etc... I have to ask myself why did I tolerate. Because I am not a tolerant woman by nature. People would always ask me why I liked him. Because they were looking at the way he treated me. I would reply to them with a list of qualities he possessed, (funny, smart, good listener, down to earth,....). It was tonight that I discovered something that we all know, but do sometimes we don not realize we know.

Affections for someone come from one of two places, or both. There's how they treat you, and there's how they are. You can have feelings for someone because of their qualities. All the personality characteristics that you find admirable, desirable, and compatible with your own. This is usually the base of a relationship. The other column, is how they treat you. This person calls me often, brings me flowers, showers me with words of affirmation. I always liked Mr. R. Never liked the nonchalant fashion in which he treated me.

But the interesting part, is that he liked me for the other reason. He lost genuine interest in me a couple months into the dating because I pushed for a commitment. But he hung around, because I was willing to hop in my car and come to him, where ever he was ... no matter what I was doing or where I was at. His college career was ending when we met. I would send him encouraging texts before each interview. I never with held sex, helped him with anything he asked me too, even cleaned his filthy apartment.

So together we remained... we would part ways only to connect again... because I dug him... and he dug the way I treated him. Simple right? It didn't use to seem so. I could not understand why a man who said he did not love me, could not let me go. To be honest... his actions were reminiscent of a woman dating a man in medical school who she doesn't like. He liked what I had to offer: both what I currently brought to the table as well as the finances and potential (he perceived) I would bring to the table later on down the line.

So what did I learn? Again, fairly simple. Affections for anyone must come from both categories. The person's personality as well as how they treat you. If either of you are trying to build a relationship, neglecting the other column.. the house will collapse.