Training

I am driven by emotion. Many people will say that is an undesirable attribute, unless they are a communication studies major at EIU! Emotions assist us in making moral decisions, building strong relationships with family and friends, and amongst other things, emotions give us the drive to be ambitious. Emotions make us human. In my opinion, our emotions are are strongest attribute, when trained the correct way.

When your emotions drag you into a drunken street fight, illegal activity, or anything foolish... you need to train them. It is often referred to as putting your emotions in check. Our greatest weapon has to be treated delicately, like a Pitt bull. If trained properly, they will protect you, look out for your best interest, and keep you warm while their weight shifts at the foot of your bed. But untrained, they will hurt you and those around you.

The emotion that gets the best of me often is loneliness. My daughter's father pursued with me the tenacity an adult, when we were 13 (little did i know at the time he had seen alot and had to grow up too fast). When we parted ways four years later, I quickly met someone else. He irritated me so i left him, and quickly met someone else. Then he pissed me off. And the cycled continued for over 3 years. I had the worse of both worlds. My emotions drove me to continuously desire a relationship (partly because I was accustomed to it, never really been alone). And my other emotion was my temper. I was so easily agitated, so willing to throw the man away.

In that way my emotions did not serve my best interest. I could not control my longing for a relationship so I tried my hand at being more tolerant... we all see how that turned out. I meta morphed into a door mat. Maybe I picked the wrong person to be tolerant with. Or maybe, instead of becoming more tolerant, I should have tried to suppress my longing for male companionship. My daughter's father truly spoiled me. I did not realize it, until I entered the real world. He treated me like a man treats his wife. He put my needs before his. His mom didn't keep any food in the fridge, but if i was hungry he would spend his last 3 dollars to buy me fast food, knowing full well I could go home and eat, and he'd be hungry all night. He would stand in the rain with no coat (because he put it over my head) and wait with me till my bus came, and many other selfless acts. Too bad he turned to a life of crime and womanizing. But I digress, my emotions drive me to seek out that same type of treatment and companionship in the present. When the truth is, I need sometime to be alone. Some time for self discovery, for healing, for growing, for focus. My emotions will have me up at night texting ex boyfriend's that are ex's for a reason...

I must train my emotions to see what's best for me. But... I don't know how. Open for suggestions...

Two Fold Affections

It is often very difficult to analyze ourselves. Mostly because analysis requires observation. How difficult is it to be the observed as well as the observer? However, I have found that writing down a series of actions and trying to view them objectively (typically from the outside looking in), you can see things a bit clearly.

I am obsessed with such things. I despise time wasting (unless I'm relaxing :-). So when I feel that any person, place, or situation has wasted my time. I will search the seven seas to find purpose in that person, place, or situation. I am a person who needs the peace of mind of being able to honestly say "it was a learning experience", if I can't... I feel foolish. Those of you who follow my blog or simply know me, know that I spent over 2 yrs in a hopeless relationship. When I look back on all he did do, he didn't, lied about, poorly reacted to, etc... I have to ask myself why did I tolerate. Because I am not a tolerant woman by nature. People would always ask me why I liked him. Because they were looking at the way he treated me. I would reply to them with a list of qualities he possessed, (funny, smart, good listener, down to earth,....). It was tonight that I discovered something that we all know, but do sometimes we don not realize we know.

Affections for someone come from one of two places, or both. There's how they treat you, and there's how they are. You can have feelings for someone because of their qualities. All the personality characteristics that you find admirable, desirable, and compatible with your own. This is usually the base of a relationship. The other column, is how they treat you. This person calls me often, brings me flowers, showers me with words of affirmation. I always liked Mr. R. Never liked the nonchalant fashion in which he treated me.

But the interesting part, is that he liked me for the other reason. He lost genuine interest in me a couple months into the dating because I pushed for a commitment. But he hung around, because I was willing to hop in my car and come to him, where ever he was ... no matter what I was doing or where I was at. His college career was ending when we met. I would send him encouraging texts before each interview. I never with held sex, helped him with anything he asked me too, even cleaned his filthy apartment.

So together we remained... we would part ways only to connect again... because I dug him... and he dug the way I treated him. Simple right? It didn't use to seem so. I could not understand why a man who said he did not love me, could not let me go. To be honest... his actions were reminiscent of a woman dating a man in medical school who she doesn't like. He liked what I had to offer: both what I currently brought to the table as well as the finances and potential (he perceived) I would bring to the table later on down the line.

So what did I learn? Again, fairly simple. Affections for anyone must come from both categories. The person's personality as well as how they treat you. If either of you are trying to build a relationship, neglecting the other column.. the house will collapse.

He Loves Me Not

On and off again... on and off again, that seems to be the pattern of the relationship I've been in for over the past two years. Mainly because I never know whether or not I can deal with being with someone who does not have feelings for me, that are as strong as the feelings I have for them. I mean it's not necessarily a deal breaker... or is it? How important is it that 2 people have the same level of emotion for one another at the same time? People do fall in love at different times right? Or is that wrong? Some days I can deal with loving a man who doesn't love me, because he says that he will, he just needs more time. But on the other hand, considering the amount of time that has lapsed, sometimes I think he'll never have substantial feelings.

Now his behavior has improved. He used to treat me like one of the guys... and now he treats me like a girl he likes. But because of his very slow movement forward. My feelings have began to move backward. The intense longing I use to have for him before I went to bed and when I woke up, has faded.

This could be due to the revelation I recently had. Rather or not I can cope with not hearing those 3 special words use to be a big topic of thought for me. But after a while, it became no big deal. They truly are just words, contrary to popular belief..

But what I cannot cope with is the treatment. I can no longer be treated like a girl that a guy just likes. Not at this stage of the game. The following will be a list of his actions, versus the action I wanted. The actions I wanted, were that of a man who loves his woman.

When a man likes a woman, and she's facing possible homelessness when she comes home from school, he consoles her. Tell her everything will be OK. When he loves her, his urge is to protect her, therefore he opens his arms and his doors to her despite the inconvenience it may cause. When he likes a woman he makes her familiar with his friends. But when he loves her, he makes her familiar with his family, because he wants those ties to her. When he likes a woman, and he does not have a phone he emails her and tries to make her laugh. But when he loves her, he'll spend the 30 bucks for a pre-paid phone, and 20 bucks for minutes so that he can at least call her and say goodnight. And lastly, when he likes a woman and she expresses concerns about where she stands in his life after his children come to reside with him, he gets standoffish because he thinks she's trying to make him choose between her and his kids. But if he loves her, he understands her concerns, he reassures her that there's room for her, and that he and her are a team. He starts making plans to get a bigger crib (down the road) so all them can fit.

I can deal with not hearing it, but I can no longer wait to feel loved. What makes this time different than all the rest? I am no longer wondering what I can and can't deal with. I know that I am not getting ALL that I need from this relationship. Now I just have to tell him, in a way that conveys the finality of this decision. Can't allow him to distract me from the issue. Wish me luck.

Are Good Terms a Good Thing?

So, I have an ex. Hands down he is the most annoying ex I have. Everything he says is either boring, stupid, superficial, or down right ridiculous. His logic is blurred. What makes it worse is he is always professing his undying love for me... Which has an effect on me.... that could not be further from flattery. I really have to count my blessings that we were able to part ways, no strings attached. As crazy as I was about him 5 years ago, I cannot bare a conversation with him presently. And to add insult to injury, he still owes me over 400 bucks for a phone bill. And has the nerve to get irritated when I bring it up. Why do I converse with him at all?

I feel the inept need to be on good terms with people. I really hate to have unnecessary enemies. Just knowing there is a person out there that I don't even want to speak to in passing, leaves a bad taste in my mouth. So, when dealing withmore difficult persons, I attempt to (as the old people say) feed them with a sling shot or a long handle spoon. But some people cannot be fed at all. You have to fast them out. Starve them out of your life. The acquaintance cannot be nurtured at all. Because when a person is utterly irritating, and the mere sound of their retarded voice, insights rage in your underbelly... maybe being on good terms is not good. Why do many of us fear "bad terms"? If a person cannot positively contribute to your life on even a sociable level, what is their purpose? Should we endure intellectually deprived conversations for the sake of good terms? Must we read, forward, and/or reply to crass, "religious", and often times pointless chain letter texts messages? to be nice? and be on good terms with these people?

Some of these people are idiots, imbeciles, and/or complete morons...And I hate to judge so harshly, but these are the thoughts that saturate my mind when I speak to this man. I harbor no hard feelings about the failure of the relationship, but his present stupidity and hallow words of affirmation really grinds my gears. But because because he's "nice", I should be on good terms with him? What the hell for? UGH!

Drama is Interesting

I thought about my blog today. I have not blogged recently. My blogs are always about dilemmas, problems, drama, pain, and/or conflict. But right now, all is right. Doing well (B or better) in 4 out of 5 classes. Getting along great with all family and all friends. My boyfriend is more compromising, compassionate, affectionate, and generous than ever. I have written multiple blogs about his short comings. But when he is worthy of praise.. it's not worth mentioning? Is it because I like drama? Do I think positive situations, encounters, and people aren't interesting? Am I right is the more important question?? Does anyone want to read 3-5 paragraphs about my happiness??? No! it's sappy, it's boring, and it's annoying. What does this mean, that I cannot indulge in blogging unless I am miserable or simply content at best? I once saw a movie that said that good writers cannot be happy. Are we so pessimistic and sick as a species that we can only get excited or emotional about someone Else's sorrow?? I am frustrated and without solution...:-(

Forgiveness

Through a series of emails and conversations with my ex, R.L (that are too lengthy to describe) I decided to forgive him. And give things another go. I do want to be with him and he wants to be with me. That's as good a reason as any. But the interesting part is that the correspondence that lead to this decision took about two weeks. Two weeks, to go from despising him to forgiving him...

Most of us ladies are familiar with forgiving our men. But how long does it take to forgive another woman? In the past year, I had to friendships evaporate. They were both short lived friendships with women. Neither of them had upset me as regularly as R.L did. But he had been forgiven and they had not. Why?

Firstly, he has little sumn they don't ;-)
But besides that, a woman is not going to consistently email or call another woman beckoning forgiveness (most time) like a man will. It is easy, to forgive someone who request it consistently. Because you decide, that they "deserve" your forgiveness.

But what about what you deserve? You deserve to live without hate or resentment in your heart, your mind, or your body. This may sound like a cliche' but you forgive people, for you, not for them. I sent a facebook message to both young ladies. They have not replied back. If they do, great! But if they don't, that's OK. I did not send the messages with the hope of correspondence. I sent those messages, for peace of mind, to forgive them for the ways they hurt me, and request forgiveness myself. Whether their forgiveness is granted or not, I feel better. Eitherway I feel like I did something productive with my day. I feel like I casted out any remaining negative energy.

This approach may not fit you or the situation. But find a way to forgive those whom you have bad blood with. You don't have to message them (unless your comfortable), you don't have to text them saying you forgive them. When you've relinquished all disdain for that person. When you can think of them, without any negative emotion....you've done what you needed to do, FOR YOU!

MORE

Those of you who follow my blog, know that I recently had a breakthrough; concerning what I truly value in a man. A conversation with my mama lead me to see that my longest and most serious relationships have been with men who matched me intellectually and sexually. And after I pondered it continuously. I realized one thing, despite my relationships with those men being most notable. I am not with ANY of them currently. 4 out 5 of those relationship were ceased by my wishes. So, if they had the two attributes that matter to me the most, why aren't I with them??

Because, absent from the other qualities I want, those two qualities are not that valuable. Sure, those qualities are important to me, but they will not sustain the relationship alone. They are only incentive to hang in there and see how things develop. My "hanging in there", can range from 5 months to 2 years (roughly). But at some point I am going to want MORE. And when I don't get it, those relationships dissolve. Only with more pain, disappointment, and resentment because of time invested.

This became a little more clear when I received a recent email from R.L. We had been emailing for about a week. And I thought the same thing after each email. I NEED MORE. I asked him why he could never love me (since that was a big issue during our dating) he said I'M TRYING TO. I need more than a man trying to love me. I need to be saturated by his affections. In another email he said DIDN'T WE HAVE FUN? I need more than a good time. He asked me when I was coming home. I told him to send me 40 bucks to get there (just to see what he would say). And he offers me 20. I need a man who doesn't max out the amount he can spend on me at 20 bucks. Especially when he claims to be trying to get in my good graces.

The bottom line, it was important for me to be able to recognize what really stimulates me (in regards to the opposite sex). But it is equally important to recognize that those things cannot stand alone. They might be the meat. But a person doesn't eat chicken alone. We need fries, we need bread, we need a can pop:-)

Thanks 4 Reading!