Passion

My sister touches my dress, rubs the material between her thumb and her index finger and says "I could make this". My sister is majoring in fashion design at Columbia College. And I am so green with envy! Not because I want to study fashion. But because she is so proud of what she does. She has portfolios, samples, a mannequin, a sewing machine... we can't step foot in Walmart without her looking for new fabrics. She has a genuine passion. Me on the other hand, my interest varies depending on the class I'm in. When I had broadcasting classes I wanted to be an anchor. When I first began media production classes, I want to be a director. Toward the end of my college career, I have taken communication courses that were more business related, and now, that's where my interest lies.

I should have a whole plan for my life and I don't. All I know is that I want stability, yet I bore easily. I have a history of losing interest in jobs, hobbies, men. I need to be constantly engaged. But I don't think that's the way the world works. I am trying to find my niche in this world. But, I don't know what it is. What am I passionate about? Success. I just want to be successful and able to provide for myself and my daughter in abundance. So, next logical question is what do I like??

Well, like most people, I like to talk. Other than that, I like to write, and I like to help people, mainly in the form of encouragement. Who talks, writes, and encourages?? Human resources coordinators? Motivational speaker?  I'm not sure, about writing. What would I write? Can't feed myself from writing my blog...

I am anxious to find my passion. How can I be a career woman... with no clear career path to follow? I am hoping for suggestions...

Keep It, You'll Grow Into It

I am a writer. There I said it. For the longest time I did not like the idea. Friends, family, and many teachers have attempted to encourage me to embrace my writing skills. But during grammar school, high school, and most of college, writing was either one of two things: a necessary evil to excel to the next academic level, and/or a means of extracting emotions and ideas (mostly Dear John letters, poems, and angry letters to my mom when I was a teenager). I never enjoyed writing.

One of the biggest reasons is because authors were never glamorous enough for me. I wanted to be a singer, a dancer, an actress.... a person in the spot light. I wanted beautiful clothes, to be interviewed, to be looked up to, to be rich, popular, beautiful and fun. And an author, to my knowledge, was none of the above. Before Carrie Bradshaw, my visualization of writers was... scary. Knitted sweater wearing shut ins with type writers and glasses. Often times, I would envision Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" or James Caan, in "Misery". Those images just didn't quite...do it for me. I could not identify with those actors' portrayals of authors.

Sure, there are plenty of female African American authors. I have seen their books on many shelves, and read my fair share. But my impressions of the life of writers were embedded early in life, via films like the ones I mentioned.

But as I have grown... mostly within the last two years.... I fit better and better into my writing clothes. When I originally received the clothes, many years ago. They were too big, not my style, and made me feel uncomfortable, like clothes that did not belong to me. But as I advance in age, those clothes begin to fit better and better. My sense of style has matured, so the clothes suit me now. Now I see these clothes as mine, not just something that was given to me.

For those of you who find yourselves with talents, potential, or "clothes", that don't seem to fit; I have a suggestion. Hang on to them, try them on occasionally, you just might grow into them, and grow to love them.

Make The Choice

I am a person who is always called to immediate action. I like "right now"! I have no patience, nor have I ever. And if I have to make the choice of going, doing, seeing, or participating in anything either right now or later on, NOW is my choice.

But immediate gratification and goals, do not go hand in hand. If I want to eat this donut right now, what effect does that have on my long term weight loss goal? If I want to have sex right now, how does that effect my long term goal of being in a committed relationship?? We have to reject the immediate gratification to meet long term goals.

But it is so difficult, to turn down something that you want (what ever it may be) when it is staring you in the face? How do you turn down what you want now for what you want later? How do you turn down a good paying job, to go to college for 4 yrs... and perhaps don't get a job afterwards??

The answer is, we MUST BELIEVE that what we want in the long term is of better quality, more substantial, more important, and much more fulfilling then what stands before us presently. We can't just want to believe it. We will fail every time, unless we are convinced!

But how do we convince ourselves?

That is a means we must all come up with, individually.

Right now, I am struggling to make the choice between instant satisfaction.... and delayed gratification... I hope I make the right choice. And I hope you do too.

Thanks for Reading.

Closure Closes What?

Up until today, I had not had any means of communication with my ex since January 13th, nearly a month ago. Apparently, I had him signed up to receive my blog. So he received the "The He Loves Me Not" post. So I never had to tell him we were done, he found out through the blog. (I have since, removed him from the list) Today, in the early morning hours, I emailed him, expressing frustration, and looking for closure. And... I did not feel very different after I wrote it. His answers and comments frustrated me further. What did i expect from him? This is a man who no one can expect anything from. What did I think he would say. Did I think he would give me some deep or profound information that would put my mind at ease? Leave me in peace and feeling whole? He's not that type of man. So, because he's unable to give me closure, does that mean I'll never have it?

Can I give it to myself? Do I even need it? What is it? What am I closing when I get closure? Am I closing the imaginary door he stood behind? Am I closing that ''chapter" of my life? Am I closing my heart to him? Those are all cliche's and hallow metaphors, to me. I cannot physically complete any of those task. But I can mentally? Meaning, use my imagination, lol. Is that going to make me feel better? In what world?

Realistically closure could be interpreted as peace. How do I come to peace with the decision I made? We are all satisfied with our decisions when we are positive that we have made the best decision. His nonchalant replies and carelessness. "what could I do?", he says to me. Of all the methods he could have used, to change my mind, to convince me, to keep me... he did none. He fights harder for a good parking space.

I made the right choice. He reinforced that knowledge with his replies. So, though, it was not the, "farewell my love", I would have preferred, he definitely left me with the peace of mind, that he is not, was never, and will never be the right man for me.

But closure? That is not what I have gained. I have openness and the foresight to see people and situations clearly, as what they are, and not what I want them to be.