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So, I have an ex. Hands down he is the most annoying ex I have. Everything he says is either boring, stupid, superficial, or down right ridiculous. His logic is blurred. What makes it worse is he is always professing his undying love for me... Which has an effect on me.... that could not be further from flattery. I really have to count my blessings that we were able to part ways, no strings attached. As crazy as I was about him 5 years ago, I cannot bare a conversation with him presently. And to add insult to injury, he still owes me over 400 bucks for a phone bill. And has the nerve to get irritated when I bring it up. Why do I converse with him at all?
I feel the inept need to be on good terms with people. I really hate to have unnecessary enemies. Just knowing there is a person out there that I don't even want to speak to in passing, leaves a bad taste in my mouth. So, when dealing withmore difficult persons, I attempt to (as the old people say) feed them with a sling shot or a long handle spoon. But some people cannot be fed at all. You have to fast them out. Starve them out of your life. The acquaintance cannot be nurtured at all. Because when a person is utterly irritating, and the mere sound of their retarded voice, insights rage in your underbelly... maybe being on good terms is not good. Why do many of us fear "bad terms"? If a person cannot positively contribute to your life on even a sociable level, what is their purpose? Should we endure intellectually deprived conversations for the sake of good terms? Must we read, forward, and/or reply to crass, "religious", and often times pointless chain letter texts messages? to be nice? and be on good terms with these people?
Some of these people are idiots, imbeciles, and/or complete morons...And I hate to judge so harshly, but these are the thoughts that saturate my mind when I speak to this man. I harbor no hard feelings about the failure of the relationship, but his present stupidity and hallow words of affirmation really grinds my gears. But because because he's "nice", I should be on good terms with him? What the hell for? UGH!
Friday, December 25, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Drama is Interesting
I thought about my blog today. I have not blogged recently. My blogs are always about dilemmas, problems, drama, pain, and/or conflict. But right now, all is right. Doing well (B or better) in 4 out of 5 classes. Getting along great with all family and all friends. My boyfriend is more compromising, compassionate, affectionate, and generous than ever. I have written multiple blogs about his short comings. But when he is worthy of praise.. it's not worth mentioning? Is it because I like drama? Do I think positive situations, encounters, and people aren't interesting? Am I right is the more important question?? Does anyone want to read 3-5 paragraphs about my happiness??? No! it's sappy, it's boring, and it's annoying. What does this mean, that I cannot indulge in blogging unless I am miserable or simply content at best? I once saw a movie that said that good writers cannot be happy. Are we so pessimistic and sick as a species that we can only get excited or emotional about someone Else's sorrow?? I am frustrated and without solution...:-(
Monday, October 26, 2009
Forgiveness
Through a series of emails and conversations with my ex, R.L (that are too lengthy to describe) I decided to forgive him. And give things another go. I do want to be with him and he wants to be with me. That's as good a reason as any. But the interesting part is that the correspondence that lead to this decision took about two weeks. Two weeks, to go from despising him to forgiving him...
Most of us ladies are familiar with forgiving our men. But how long does it take to forgive another woman? In the past year, I had to friendships evaporate. They were both short lived friendships with women. Neither of them had upset me as regularly as R.L did. But he had been forgiven and they had not. Why?
Firstly, he has little sumn they don't ;-)
But besides that, a woman is not going to consistently email or call another woman beckoning forgiveness (most time) like a man will. It is easy, to forgive someone who request it consistently. Because you decide, that they "deserve" your forgiveness.
But what about what you deserve? You deserve to live without hate or resentment in your heart, your mind, or your body. This may sound like a cliche' but you forgive people, for you, not for them. I sent a facebook message to both young ladies. They have not replied back. If they do, great! But if they don't, that's OK. I did not send the messages with the hope of correspondence. I sent those messages, for peace of mind, to forgive them for the ways they hurt me, and request forgiveness myself. Whether their forgiveness is granted or not, I feel better. Eitherway I feel like I did something productive with my day. I feel like I casted out any remaining negative energy.
This approach may not fit you or the situation. But find a way to forgive those whom you have bad blood with. You don't have to message them (unless your comfortable), you don't have to text them saying you forgive them. When you've relinquished all disdain for that person. When you can think of them, without any negative emotion....you've done what you needed to do, FOR YOU!
Most of us ladies are familiar with forgiving our men. But how long does it take to forgive another woman? In the past year, I had to friendships evaporate. They were both short lived friendships with women. Neither of them had upset me as regularly as R.L did. But he had been forgiven and they had not. Why?
Firstly, he has little sumn they don't ;-)
But besides that, a woman is not going to consistently email or call another woman beckoning forgiveness (most time) like a man will. It is easy, to forgive someone who request it consistently. Because you decide, that they "deserve" your forgiveness.
But what about what you deserve? You deserve to live without hate or resentment in your heart, your mind, or your body. This may sound like a cliche' but you forgive people, for you, not for them. I sent a facebook message to both young ladies. They have not replied back. If they do, great! But if they don't, that's OK. I did not send the messages with the hope of correspondence. I sent those messages, for peace of mind, to forgive them for the ways they hurt me, and request forgiveness myself. Whether their forgiveness is granted or not, I feel better. Eitherway I feel like I did something productive with my day. I feel like I casted out any remaining negative energy.
This approach may not fit you or the situation. But find a way to forgive those whom you have bad blood with. You don't have to message them (unless your comfortable), you don't have to text them saying you forgive them. When you've relinquished all disdain for that person. When you can think of them, without any negative emotion....you've done what you needed to do, FOR YOU!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
MORE
Those of you who follow my blog, know that I recently had a breakthrough; concerning what I truly value in a man. A conversation with my mama lead me to see that my longest and most serious relationships have been with men who matched me intellectually and sexually. And after I pondered it continuously. I realized one thing, despite my relationships with those men being most notable. I am not with ANY of them currently. 4 out 5 of those relationship were ceased by my wishes. So, if they had the two attributes that matter to me the most, why aren't I with them??
Because, absent from the other qualities I want, those two qualities are not that valuable. Sure, those qualities are important to me, but they will not sustain the relationship alone. They are only incentive to hang in there and see how things develop. My "hanging in there", can range from 5 months to 2 years (roughly). But at some point I am going to want MORE. And when I don't get it, those relationships dissolve. Only with more pain, disappointment, and resentment because of time invested.
This became a little more clear when I received a recent email from R.L. We had been emailing for about a week. And I thought the same thing after each email. I NEED MORE. I asked him why he could never love me (since that was a big issue during our dating) he said I'M TRYING TO. I need more than a man trying to love me. I need to be saturated by his affections. In another email he said DIDN'T WE HAVE FUN? I need more than a good time. He asked me when I was coming home. I told him to send me 40 bucks to get there (just to see what he would say). And he offers me 20. I need a man who doesn't max out the amount he can spend on me at 20 bucks. Especially when he claims to be trying to get in my good graces.
The bottom line, it was important for me to be able to recognize what really stimulates me (in regards to the opposite sex). But it is equally important to recognize that those things cannot stand alone. They might be the meat. But a person doesn't eat chicken alone. We need fries, we need bread, we need a can pop:-)
Thanks 4 Reading!
Because, absent from the other qualities I want, those two qualities are not that valuable. Sure, those qualities are important to me, but they will not sustain the relationship alone. They are only incentive to hang in there and see how things develop. My "hanging in there", can range from 5 months to 2 years (roughly). But at some point I am going to want MORE. And when I don't get it, those relationships dissolve. Only with more pain, disappointment, and resentment because of time invested.
This became a little more clear when I received a recent email from R.L. We had been emailing for about a week. And I thought the same thing after each email. I NEED MORE. I asked him why he could never love me (since that was a big issue during our dating) he said I'M TRYING TO. I need more than a man trying to love me. I need to be saturated by his affections. In another email he said DIDN'T WE HAVE FUN? I need more than a good time. He asked me when I was coming home. I told him to send me 40 bucks to get there (just to see what he would say). And he offers me 20. I need a man who doesn't max out the amount he can spend on me at 20 bucks. Especially when he claims to be trying to get in my good graces.
The bottom line, it was important for me to be able to recognize what really stimulates me (in regards to the opposite sex). But it is equally important to recognize that those things cannot stand alone. They might be the meat. But a person doesn't eat chicken alone. We need fries, we need bread, we need a can pop:-)
Thanks 4 Reading!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Who Knows What You Want?
My mother blew my mind last night. It is amazing how clearly other people see us. And how blurred our vision of our self is. I have a had my share of unsuccessful "attempted" relationships. Often times, I think a guy is the best thing since sliced bread. And within a couple weeks, I find myself distancing myself. There have been a handful of exceptions made. The longest (with the exception of my daughter's father) is my ex. Let's call him R.L. I never understood what drew me to R.L with such intensity. I never understood why I put up with so much unacceptable behavior.
Now, let's fast forward into the present. I recently entered my first "shack up" situation. An "old flame" from 2006 resurfaced, just as my relationship with R.L came to a halt. Within a couple months, I invited him to move in (I mentioned "old flame" in my last post). Last night, my mother called. We began with usual small talk and gossip about family members. And then, out of no where she asked, "are you tired of him yet?". I was flabbergasted... because.... I AM!
I asked her how she knew, and she said. "You get bored with men easily, he has to be your match intellectually and sexually. If he is lacking in either area you will tire of him. Look at the handful of relationships you took seriously. What did they all have in common?" Talk about a MINDFREAK. Chris Angel ain't got nothing on my mama! For years I have pondered and struggled trying to figure out why I cannot just settle down. Surprisingly enough, not many men have had those (seemingly) simple two attributes nailed down. And the ones who did, were difficult men. Difficult to hold on to. Those attributes made them vain. And just like that the mystery was solved!
If some one were to ask me what I wanted in a man I would have given them a laundry list of characteristics (none of which would have been great sex from a braniac). I would say I wanted a gentleman, a strong guy, a funny guy, someone who's responsible, dependable, generous, kind, and some other stuff too. But I have met men with those attributes... and things didn't pan out. I couldn't figure out why.
At this point (while still on the phone with my mom) I need to speak freely. The apartment is very small, so i go outside and get in the car. Then I tell her how I'm annoyed by him. We don't have anything in common. He's not very smart and things are not going well sexually. She says she wish she didn't know me so well. (SIDE NOTE: he has the qualities on the laundry list).
Then she tells me that I moved him in with me because I was lonesome and I thought him being there would help me get over my ex. BINGO!!!!
Talk about hitting the nail on the head. My mother knows me far better than i know myself. I have wasted so much time and made so many naive decisions that i would not have made, had I had this information. I asked her why didn't she tell me sooner. She said she thought I knew. I have so much clarity in terms of my future endeavors (knowing is half the battle). But what do I do with my current endeavor. I'm sharing my home with someone who I have lost interest in.... What can i do? I have made this major decision because I didn't know what I wanted. Now that I do, what do i do?
Lesson For The Day: Ask someone who knows you, to tell you something that they observed about you. It doesn't have to be opposite sex related. It could be anything. You may get an eye opener.
Now, let's fast forward into the present. I recently entered my first "shack up" situation. An "old flame" from 2006 resurfaced, just as my relationship with R.L came to a halt. Within a couple months, I invited him to move in (I mentioned "old flame" in my last post). Last night, my mother called. We began with usual small talk and gossip about family members. And then, out of no where she asked, "are you tired of him yet?". I was flabbergasted... because.... I AM!
I asked her how she knew, and she said. "You get bored with men easily, he has to be your match intellectually and sexually. If he is lacking in either area you will tire of him. Look at the handful of relationships you took seriously. What did they all have in common?" Talk about a MINDFREAK. Chris Angel ain't got nothing on my mama! For years I have pondered and struggled trying to figure out why I cannot just settle down. Surprisingly enough, not many men have had those (seemingly) simple two attributes nailed down. And the ones who did, were difficult men. Difficult to hold on to. Those attributes made them vain. And just like that the mystery was solved!
If some one were to ask me what I wanted in a man I would have given them a laundry list of characteristics (none of which would have been great sex from a braniac). I would say I wanted a gentleman, a strong guy, a funny guy, someone who's responsible, dependable, generous, kind, and some other stuff too. But I have met men with those attributes... and things didn't pan out. I couldn't figure out why.
At this point (while still on the phone with my mom) I need to speak freely. The apartment is very small, so i go outside and get in the car. Then I tell her how I'm annoyed by him. We don't have anything in common. He's not very smart and things are not going well sexually. She says she wish she didn't know me so well. (SIDE NOTE: he has the qualities on the laundry list).
Then she tells me that I moved him in with me because I was lonesome and I thought him being there would help me get over my ex. BINGO!!!!
Talk about hitting the nail on the head. My mother knows me far better than i know myself. I have wasted so much time and made so many naive decisions that i would not have made, had I had this information. I asked her why didn't she tell me sooner. She said she thought I knew. I have so much clarity in terms of my future endeavors (knowing is half the battle). But what do I do with my current endeavor. I'm sharing my home with someone who I have lost interest in.... What can i do? I have made this major decision because I didn't know what I wanted. Now that I do, what do i do?
Lesson For The Day: Ask someone who knows you, to tell you something that they observed about you. It doesn't have to be opposite sex related. It could be anything. You may get an eye opener.
Friday, September 18, 2009
The Cover Up
So I'm laying on a leather table that reminds me of the one at my gynecologist office. I'm tense, I'm cold, and I'm in pain. Why? Because like many love sick young women, I have a man's name tattooed on me. And, like many other mistakes people make, I am trying to cover it up. The pain of this tattoo doubles the last one. All the detail that it needs, all the concentration it takes, and all the time it takes really made me think. The original tatt didn't even take 15 minutes. This one took 45. The original tatt cost 20 bucks, this one cost 55. The original tatt felt like a pinch, this one felt like a drill. Why is it that in life, when we do something stupid... it takes double the money, triple the time, and four times the pain to fix???
Ladies, we must be more careful. Some lessons are learned the hard way, but that shouldn't be every lesson. When I got the original tatt... I disregarded the opinion of the friend who accompanied me. I didn't tell my mom. Hid it from my kid. Got it in an area where no one could see it, and i got it small... just in case I would need to cover it up later. I submit to you that when this many precautions need to be taken... maybe you know what you're doing is not a good idea. Maybe your ashamed, or maybe you just had a bad feeling about it. So, why would you ignore your first mind?
Is it really a mistake I covered up? Mistakes are accidents. Or was I really covering up my bad judgment, my immaturity, my foolishness, and my desperation?
And if that is the case? Can those things really be covered up? Do I think about my decisions, in regards to that relationship, any less now that I can't look down and see his name? Not really, I dreamed about him today. He's a part of my subconscious (for now).... can't cover that up.
I am not saying that getting the tattoo covered was a waste of time. It definitely was not. That tattoo was basically a brand. Animals are branded to identify their owner. What I am saying is that it did not have the affect I tought it would. It didn't erase him. Covering something doesn't delete it.
In good conditions, we can fix a problem. In other conditions, we can only cover them. Think about that before you make your next decision.
Ladies, we must be more careful. Some lessons are learned the hard way, but that shouldn't be every lesson. When I got the original tatt... I disregarded the opinion of the friend who accompanied me. I didn't tell my mom. Hid it from my kid. Got it in an area where no one could see it, and i got it small... just in case I would need to cover it up later. I submit to you that when this many precautions need to be taken... maybe you know what you're doing is not a good idea. Maybe your ashamed, or maybe you just had a bad feeling about it. So, why would you ignore your first mind?
Is it really a mistake I covered up? Mistakes are accidents. Or was I really covering up my bad judgment, my immaturity, my foolishness, and my desperation?
And if that is the case? Can those things really be covered up? Do I think about my decisions, in regards to that relationship, any less now that I can't look down and see his name? Not really, I dreamed about him today. He's a part of my subconscious (for now).... can't cover that up.
I am not saying that getting the tattoo covered was a waste of time. It definitely was not. That tattoo was basically a brand. Animals are branded to identify their owner. What I am saying is that it did not have the affect I tought it would. It didn't erase him. Covering something doesn't delete it.
In good conditions, we can fix a problem. In other conditions, we can only cover them. Think about that before you make your next decision.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Getting Over and Getting On
What do you do with disappointment? Do you try to forget about, overlook it, sulk in it, or tell yourself you did your best?
Well, what if you did your best but didn’t use your best judgment? What happens when your disappointed with yourself?
What do you tell yourself when you acted foolishly, irrationally, and ridiculously emotional? How frustrated are you when you can’t figure out what you were thinking, or when you cannot comprehend your own logic/actions?
Do you hit yourself with the good ol’ at least I learned something script? Well what exactly did you learn? That you put yourself in a compromising situation for absolutely no reason? Perhaps you put yourself out there emotionally without reciprocation, repeatedly.
As I look back at my only adult relationship that was substantial… I realize that my actions, my thinking, and my theories were… so heavily flawed. I feel like such a fool. The only man I ever loved is a man that didn’t love me, didn’t appreciate me, and barely respected me. I am irritated every time I think of an incident when I was mistreated and devalued, I am enraged. I try to transfer that rage into relief; relief that I am free from constant disappointment, trying to smother my resentment, and investing largely and receiving nothing. But I don’t feel relief. I feel anger. Anger at myself for falling for such a man. Anger at myself for how long I dealt with the unthinkable. Forgave the unforgiveable. Endured heart break after heart break. I’m so PISSED! How could I be so blind! So stupid!???
HOOOOOW?
Why wouldn’t I let him go?
From the 1st time I spent time with him, I was so taken with, so engulfed by him, never felt so strongely for a man. That means he’s the one right? NO! it doesn’t because he never felt the same way. I pursued him vigorously. Occasionally he would throw me a bone with some small display of reciprocation. And it was always enough 4 me. He was selfish, irresponsible, inconsiderate, ungrateful, easily agitated, cheap, and inattentive to my needs/feelings. This may sound cliché but the relationship was truly an emotional roller coaster, because every time I thought things were changing, he’d show me just how much, they hadn’t. And the truth is I’m still hurt. I say I need time to deal with this the demise of the relationship, but what does that mean? Deal with it… does that mean accept it, forget it, or understand? I may never understand why I felt so much and he felt so little. I want to get over him. And I’m making progress. But it’s not moving fast enough. I don’t want to ever think of him again.It angers me when I do.
Also, I have a new man… and he is a good man. And there are only a handful of men I’ve ever said that about. He’s everything I want in a man in terms of his character. I once wrote a list, he has every attribute. He’s also cute and funny and I like him. But part of me has these unresolved issues from the past. And I don’t think I’m fully healed. But does that mean I should just be alone a while longer? Should I just pass up a good one? To mourn a bad one? But can I really give my all with all this resentment (though not aimed at him). How do I deal with these issues? They don’t affect the way I treat my mate. But I think I hold back a lot emotionally. I feel like I have a wall around me because I'm scared. I really am scared of getting hurt again. What’s a girl to do?
Well, what if you did your best but didn’t use your best judgment? What happens when your disappointed with yourself?
What do you tell yourself when you acted foolishly, irrationally, and ridiculously emotional? How frustrated are you when you can’t figure out what you were thinking, or when you cannot comprehend your own logic/actions?
Do you hit yourself with the good ol’ at least I learned something script? Well what exactly did you learn? That you put yourself in a compromising situation for absolutely no reason? Perhaps you put yourself out there emotionally without reciprocation, repeatedly.
As I look back at my only adult relationship that was substantial… I realize that my actions, my thinking, and my theories were… so heavily flawed. I feel like such a fool. The only man I ever loved is a man that didn’t love me, didn’t appreciate me, and barely respected me. I am irritated every time I think of an incident when I was mistreated and devalued, I am enraged. I try to transfer that rage into relief; relief that I am free from constant disappointment, trying to smother my resentment, and investing largely and receiving nothing. But I don’t feel relief. I feel anger. Anger at myself for falling for such a man. Anger at myself for how long I dealt with the unthinkable. Forgave the unforgiveable. Endured heart break after heart break. I’m so PISSED! How could I be so blind! So stupid!???
HOOOOOW?
Why wouldn’t I let him go?
From the 1st time I spent time with him, I was so taken with, so engulfed by him, never felt so strongely for a man. That means he’s the one right? NO! it doesn’t because he never felt the same way. I pursued him vigorously. Occasionally he would throw me a bone with some small display of reciprocation. And it was always enough 4 me. He was selfish, irresponsible, inconsiderate, ungrateful, easily agitated, cheap, and inattentive to my needs/feelings. This may sound cliché but the relationship was truly an emotional roller coaster, because every time I thought things were changing, he’d show me just how much, they hadn’t. And the truth is I’m still hurt. I say I need time to deal with this the demise of the relationship, but what does that mean? Deal with it… does that mean accept it, forget it, or understand? I may never understand why I felt so much and he felt so little. I want to get over him. And I’m making progress. But it’s not moving fast enough. I don’t want to ever think of him again.It angers me when I do.
Also, I have a new man… and he is a good man. And there are only a handful of men I’ve ever said that about. He’s everything I want in a man in terms of his character. I once wrote a list, he has every attribute. He’s also cute and funny and I like him. But part of me has these unresolved issues from the past. And I don’t think I’m fully healed. But does that mean I should just be alone a while longer? Should I just pass up a good one? To mourn a bad one? But can I really give my all with all this resentment (though not aimed at him). How do I deal with these issues? They don’t affect the way I treat my mate. But I think I hold back a lot emotionally. I feel like I have a wall around me because I'm scared. I really am scared of getting hurt again. What’s a girl to do?
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