Forgiveness

Through a series of emails and conversations with my ex, R.L (that are too lengthy to describe) I decided to forgive him. And give things another go. I do want to be with him and he wants to be with me. That's as good a reason as any. But the interesting part is that the correspondence that lead to this decision took about two weeks. Two weeks, to go from despising him to forgiving him...

Most of us ladies are familiar with forgiving our men. But how long does it take to forgive another woman? In the past year, I had to friendships evaporate. They were both short lived friendships with women. Neither of them had upset me as regularly as R.L did. But he had been forgiven and they had not. Why?

Firstly, he has little sumn they don't ;-)
But besides that, a woman is not going to consistently email or call another woman beckoning forgiveness (most time) like a man will. It is easy, to forgive someone who request it consistently. Because you decide, that they "deserve" your forgiveness.

But what about what you deserve? You deserve to live without hate or resentment in your heart, your mind, or your body. This may sound like a cliche' but you forgive people, for you, not for them. I sent a facebook message to both young ladies. They have not replied back. If they do, great! But if they don't, that's OK. I did not send the messages with the hope of correspondence. I sent those messages, for peace of mind, to forgive them for the ways they hurt me, and request forgiveness myself. Whether their forgiveness is granted or not, I feel better. Eitherway I feel like I did something productive with my day. I feel like I casted out any remaining negative energy.

This approach may not fit you or the situation. But find a way to forgive those whom you have bad blood with. You don't have to message them (unless your comfortable), you don't have to text them saying you forgive them. When you've relinquished all disdain for that person. When you can think of them, without any negative emotion....you've done what you needed to do, FOR YOU!

MORE

Those of you who follow my blog, know that I recently had a breakthrough; concerning what I truly value in a man. A conversation with my mama lead me to see that my longest and most serious relationships have been with men who matched me intellectually and sexually. And after I pondered it continuously. I realized one thing, despite my relationships with those men being most notable. I am not with ANY of them currently. 4 out 5 of those relationship were ceased by my wishes. So, if they had the two attributes that matter to me the most, why aren't I with them??

Because, absent from the other qualities I want, those two qualities are not that valuable. Sure, those qualities are important to me, but they will not sustain the relationship alone. They are only incentive to hang in there and see how things develop. My "hanging in there", can range from 5 months to 2 years (roughly). But at some point I am going to want MORE. And when I don't get it, those relationships dissolve. Only with more pain, disappointment, and resentment because of time invested.

This became a little more clear when I received a recent email from R.L. We had been emailing for about a week. And I thought the same thing after each email. I NEED MORE. I asked him why he could never love me (since that was a big issue during our dating) he said I'M TRYING TO. I need more than a man trying to love me. I need to be saturated by his affections. In another email he said DIDN'T WE HAVE FUN? I need more than a good time. He asked me when I was coming home. I told him to send me 40 bucks to get there (just to see what he would say). And he offers me 20. I need a man who doesn't max out the amount he can spend on me at 20 bucks. Especially when he claims to be trying to get in my good graces.

The bottom line, it was important for me to be able to recognize what really stimulates me (in regards to the opposite sex). But it is equally important to recognize that those things cannot stand alone. They might be the meat. But a person doesn't eat chicken alone. We need fries, we need bread, we need a can pop:-)

Thanks 4 Reading!

Who Knows What You Want?

My mother blew my mind last night. It is amazing how clearly other people see us. And how blurred our vision of our self is. I have a had my share of unsuccessful "attempted" relationships. Often times, I think a guy is the best thing since sliced bread. And within a couple weeks, I find myself distancing myself. There have been a handful of exceptions made. The longest (with the exception of my daughter's father) is my ex. Let's call him R.L. I never understood what drew me to R.L with such intensity. I never understood why I put up with so much unacceptable behavior.
Now, let's fast forward into the present. I recently entered my first "shack up" situation. An "old flame" from 2006 resurfaced, just as my relationship with R.L came to a halt. Within a couple months, I invited him to move in (I mentioned "old flame" in my last post). Last night, my mother called. We began with usual small talk and gossip about family members. And then, out of no where she asked, "are you tired of him yet?". I was flabbergasted... because.... I AM!
I asked her how she knew, and she said. "You get bored with men easily, he has to be your match intellectually and sexually. If he is lacking in either area you will tire of him. Look at the handful of relationships you took seriously. What did they all have in common?" Talk about a MINDFREAK. Chris Angel ain't got nothing on my mama! For years I have pondered and struggled trying to figure out why I cannot just settle down. Surprisingly enough, not many men have had those (seemingly) simple two attributes nailed down. And the ones who did, were difficult men. Difficult to hold on to. Those attributes made them vain. And just like that the mystery was solved!
If some one were to ask me what I wanted in a man I would have given them a laundry list of characteristics (none of which would have been great sex from a braniac). I would say I wanted a gentleman, a strong guy, a funny guy, someone who's responsible, dependable, generous, kind, and some other stuff too. But I have met men with those attributes... and things didn't pan out. I couldn't figure out why.
At this point (while still on the phone with my mom) I need to speak freely. The apartment is very small, so i go outside and get in the car. Then I tell her how I'm annoyed by him. We don't have anything in common. He's not very smart and things are not going well sexually. She says she wish she didn't know me so well. (SIDE NOTE: he has the qualities on the laundry list).
Then she tells me that I moved him in with me because I was lonesome and I thought him being there would help me get over my ex. BINGO!!!!
Talk about hitting the nail on the head. My mother knows me far better than i know myself. I have wasted so much time and made so many naive decisions that i would not have made, had I had this information. I asked her why didn't she tell me sooner. She said she thought I knew. I have so much clarity in terms of my future endeavors (knowing is half the battle). But what do I do with my current endeavor. I'm sharing my home with someone who I have lost interest in.... What can i do? I have made this major decision because I didn't know what I wanted. Now that I do, what do i do?

Lesson For The Day: Ask someone who knows you, to tell you something that they observed about you. It doesn't have to be opposite sex related. It could be anything. You may get an eye opener.