The Cover Up

So I'm laying on a leather table that reminds me of the one at my gynecologist office. I'm tense, I'm cold, and I'm in pain. Why? Because like many love sick young women, I have a man's name tattooed on me. And, like many other mistakes people make, I am trying to cover it up. The pain of this tattoo doubles the last one. All the detail that it needs, all the concentration it takes, and all the time it takes really made me think. The original tatt didn't even take 15 minutes. This one took 45. The original tatt cost 20 bucks, this one cost 55. The original tatt felt like a pinch, this one felt like a drill. Why is it that in life, when we do something stupid... it takes double the money, triple the time, and four times the pain to fix???



Ladies, we must be more careful. Some lessons are learned the hard way, but that shouldn't be every lesson. When I got the original tatt... I disregarded the opinion of the friend who accompanied me. I didn't tell my mom. Hid it from my kid. Got it in an area where no one could see it, and i got it small... just in case I would need to cover it up later. I submit to you that when this many precautions need to be taken... maybe you know what you're doing is not a good idea. Maybe your ashamed, or maybe you just had a bad feeling about it. So, why would you ignore your first mind?



Is it really a mistake I covered up? Mistakes are accidents. Or was I really covering up my bad judgment, my immaturity, my foolishness, and my desperation?



And if that is the case? Can those things really be covered up? Do I think about my decisions, in regards to that relationship, any less now that I can't look down and see his name? Not really, I dreamed about him today. He's a part of my subconscious (for now).... can't cover that up.



I am not saying that getting the tattoo covered was a waste of time. It definitely was not. That tattoo was basically a brand. Animals are branded to identify their owner. What I am saying is that it did not have the affect I tought it would. It didn't erase him. Covering something doesn't delete it.

In good conditions, we can fix a problem. In other conditions, we can only cover them. Think about that before you make your next decision.

Getting Over and Getting On

What do you do with disappointment? Do you try to forget about, overlook it, sulk in it, or tell yourself you did your best?
Well, what if you did your best but didn’t use your best judgment? What happens when your disappointed with yourself?
What do you tell yourself when you acted foolishly, irrationally, and ridiculously emotional? How frustrated are you when you can’t figure out what you were thinking, or when you cannot comprehend your own logic/actions?
Do you hit yourself with the good ol’ at least I learned something script? Well what exactly did you learn? That you put yourself in a compromising situation for absolutely no reason? Perhaps you put yourself out there emotionally without reciprocation, repeatedly.

As I look back at my only adult relationship that was substantial… I realize that my actions, my thinking, and my theories were… so heavily flawed. I feel like such a fool. The only man I ever loved is a man that didn’t love me, didn’t appreciate me, and barely respected me. I am irritated every time I think of an incident when I was mistreated and devalued, I am enraged. I try to transfer that rage into relief; relief that I am free from constant disappointment, trying to smother my resentment, and investing largely and receiving nothing. But I don’t feel relief. I feel anger. Anger at myself for falling for such a man. Anger at myself for how long I dealt with the unthinkable. Forgave the unforgiveable. Endured heart break after heart break. I’m so PISSED! How could I be so blind! So stupid!???
HOOOOOW?
Why wouldn’t I let him go?

From the 1st time I spent time with him, I was so taken with, so engulfed by him, never felt so strongely for a man. That means he’s the one right? NO! it doesn’t because he never felt the same way. I pursued him vigorously. Occasionally he would throw me a bone with some small display of reciprocation. And it was always enough 4 me. He was selfish, irresponsible, inconsiderate, ungrateful, easily agitated, cheap, and inattentive to my needs/feelings. This may sound cliché but the relationship was truly an emotional roller coaster, because every time I thought things were changing, he’d show me just how much, they hadn’t. And the truth is I’m still hurt. I say I need time to deal with this the demise of the relationship, but what does that mean? Deal with it… does that mean accept it, forget it, or understand? I may never understand why I felt so much and he felt so little. I want to get over him. And I’m making progress. But it’s not moving fast enough. I don’t want to ever think of him again.It angers me when I do.

Also, I have a new man… and he is a good man. And there are only a handful of men I’ve ever said that about. He’s everything I want in a man in terms of his character. I once wrote a list, he has every attribute. He’s also cute and funny and I like him. But part of me has these unresolved issues from the past. And I don’t think I’m fully healed. But does that mean I should just be alone a while longer? Should I just pass up a good one? To mourn a bad one? But can I really give my all with all this resentment (though not aimed at him). How do I deal with these issues? They don’t affect the way I treat my mate. But I think I hold back a lot emotionally. I feel like I have a wall around me because I'm scared. I really am scared of getting hurt again. What’s a girl to do?