Upgrade to First Class Mommy

I have always wanted to be a better mother. When it comes to being a good mom, there is always room for improvement. But for a long time, I felt like I was at a stand still. Such as, my daughter and I were always together, but not together. She's been in my presence pretty much everyday of her life, but I found it difficult, to find activities we could do together.. Well, I wasn't really looking. I made so many sacrifices to take care of her, that I kind of felt, like my job was done. I was a single parent. I put the clothes on her back and the food in her mouth. And I did these things by myself, when I was a young girl, (I may have felt a bit of resentment)but providing for her only scratched the surface of what a mother should do.

This was the first summer my daughter went to see her father in Michigan. I missed her monstrously. My daughter is my number one fan. She constantly tells me she loves me, tells me I'm pretty, she's so excited about everything I do and say, and her love for me reminds me of how my mother loves me. It's unconditional. I vowed to be "funner" when she came back. Then, due to my forgetfulness, we had to share a television. So we spent all day in the same room together (well not ALL day). School had not began, my summer job was over, and it was just she and I. And I wouldn't take back those two weeks for anything in the world. I grew a true appreciation for her and for being a mother. There is truly no better gift than a child. She is like clay. I can mold her into the type of woman I want her to be (the type of woman I want to be as well). I have this awesome opportunity, to love, mold, educate, arm, and raise a successful woman. It is an honor, a challenge, and huge responsibility with huge rewards.

I shamefully must admit, I saw her primarily as a burden, a hurtle, and a true handful. Now when I see my daughter, even just getting off the school bus, I am just as excited as she is. I make daily plans for us, so she wont be bored. I recently taught her how to play checkers, how to ride a bike on two wheels, how to have a REAL water gun fight, and we've even started a movie night! I feel so evolved in my parenting. Even with my discipline, I used to feel so helpless to control her. I don't know if she's gotten better or I've gotten better.. OR if we're getting better together. She'll be seven years old next month, and I am just now feeling like I have the hang of this parenting thing. But instead of being saddened by how long it took me. I am delighted at how many years we have a head of us, for me to continue upgrading myself to the type of mother I can be proud of being. Have you upgraded at least one dimension of your character lately?

FEED ME

I am confused. That is not a common emotion for me. I am usually so sure (or at least I always feel sure). But now, I don't know what I'm feeling from one moment to the next. I thought I was lonely after the demise of my relationship. But recently, I received a medium/large amount of attention from a cute guy. He was cute and funny, and there was a time when I really liked him (but I had a man). However, I was annoyed by the attention. I couldn't wait for the kisses to end, for him to let go during the hug, and for him to get out when I decided the visit should be ending. It has been 24 hrs since I saw him.. and now I am lonely. But I do not long for his presence. What is my problem. He's attractive, attentive, funny, and I liked or like him. I want to be alone but I don't want to be alone. I am lonely, but I'm crowded. So, what is it that plagues me? Perhaps, the problem is that I'm not lonely. Maybe I am bored. When I don't have anything to do, my first urge is to be sociable. I want to talk. When I have no one to talk to, I interpret it as loneliness. But I could call anyone. I have friends. I have family. If I want to talk so bad, why don't I make the call?? Maybe because phone calls, text messages, and IM's are like samples at the super market. I can never get enough. They are no substitute for a real meal. My equivalent of a real meal in regards of conversation is an in person conversation. It's the best. A conversation about something of substance with somebody of substance is the heartiest meal of all. So maybe I'm not lonely, maybe I am hungry. But the food I need is not readily available in my refrigerator, so I stay up all hours of the night, starving; eating samples... not until I'm full.. but until I'm tired of them. So now that I have gotten to the root of my issue. How can I solve it? I will never have a person willing/able to come to my home, at my beckon call, accompanied by an interesting conversation piece. So what is the solution. I cannot even entertain talking to myself like some type of whack job. But I could... write to myself. I am not as hungry as I was, when I began this composition. And after I finish this. I'll go back and read it about three times. I always do that, lol. I don't even know why. I am certainly not looking for errors. I used spell check for that. I am not full now. But my hunger pain has went away. There aren't always perfect solutions. Sometimes, all we have are substitutions. I believe I have found a suitable substitution, for the time being. How do you fill your tummy??

Does "single" equal "freedom"?

I am now single. I never enjoyed the so called freedom that is acquainted with the single life. That may have something to do with my status as a single mother. I haven’t been free since 7:18pm on September 30, 2002. I was 17 on that evening. And prior to that, I was not free because I was a minor and my mother owned me (for the most part). I have never been able to come and go when I please. Therefore, I have always despised being single. I never could think of one way in which it was beneficial. I recently encountered a hurtful break up; my first heartache in my adult life. And that is when I discovered the first benefit to being single, there’s no possibility of a break up. You must be in awesome mental shape to endure a broken heart. If not…your work, your education, your family ties, and your social life may suffer tremendously. Still, this concept of freedom through functioning in casual associations exclusively... I still cannot grasp it.
Though I do not understand that theory I did feel a cool breeze of relief after my break up. My man was a full time blue collar job. He required so much, and the payout was minuscule. He needed his resume done, constant cover letters, some of my food stamps, his phone bill paid, for me to pay for his trips down to my school, shirt and ties for interviews, and a slew of other needs. I gave and gave and gave and gave, because he always appeared to be a guy who could flourish with the right support. And it is fine to help someone. But helping him meant… no thank you would be uttered. He was the worst of both worlds; needy yet distant. He required so much, and if I needed 5 bucks (during a period when he was employed) he would say he didn’t have it. If I said I wanted to go to the movies, he would say we would go… (We never made it) but the next time I called him, he was at the movies with one of his slob friends. But I continued to think, that if I continued to be supportive, that one magical day, he would wake up and see what he had….HA!
I spent many days full of anxiety in terms of his where abouts, our relationship, and the value or lack thereof that he placed on me. And then on a day I felt especially fed up, I ended it. And as instant as Uncle Ben’s minute rice, I felt a hulk sized weight lifted off my shoulders. I was saddened by my failure to make the relationship successful. I was disappointed because I felt like I had wasted a plethora of time, emotional energy, and money. I was displeased at the thought of leaving my comfort zone and getting back “out there”. The thought of meeting someone else and finding out all their issues … ugh!
But I was excited by the possibility of being able to start fresh with someone; without having to “overcome” so many obstacles, overlook so many flaws, and suppress so many unpleasant past events. I was pleased at the thought of not having to spend my money on anyone but myself and my child. I was joyful when I realized I wouldn’t have to balance a work load of not only my homework, but also his clerical/writing needs. I felt liberated that night when I didn’t have to keep my phone near me from fear of missing his call! And I felt loved, when I was no longer waiting to hear him say it. So, I felt excited, pleased, joyful, liberated, and loved once I became single. So… yeah maybe I felt free. Maybe I did experience freedom from relinquishing that relationship. However, at best, that relationship was… unhealthy and disproportioned. Maybe the freedom of the single life exclusively applies to escaping a bad relationship. Like Tim Robbins tunneling through feces to freedom in Shaw Shank Redemption. Maybe if you feel free after leaving a relationship, it’s because you were in prison.
But if you weren’t in a troublesome relationship… perhaps you’re using the word free as a replacement for the word lonely.