How Relevant is the Past?

Just how relevant is the past? What I have learned is that sometimes the smallest thing done to you in the past, can still affect you. Whereas some big things you’ve done to someone else, you don’t even remember. I was confronted by an old grammar school classmate, on MySpace, and he told me about all these occasions that I teased him. I could vaguely remember one of those incidents. But, I thought to myself, wow, what a loser. For him to even remember that stuff MUST mean he doesn’t have a life. Then, I ran across a girl on Face book; a girl who had infuriated me on like three occasions in 8th and 9th grade. And when I saw her on mutual friend’s page, I went wild. I called her every bad word I could think of. And she asked me “where is all this coming from”? I broke down every incident to her, and she could barely remember any one of the incidents.
I thought of this analogy when talking to my boyfriend today. There are things from the past that he has said and done and not said and done. Some things I mentioned to him, other things I did not. But today was one of those days. I had so many questions as to his reasoning. He had behaved in ways that I did not understand so many times in the past, that I wasn’t sure of how he felt about me in the present. And he kept saying he didn’t remember the incidents when he didn’t return my call or my text. And when he did remember something, he didn’t remember why things went that particular way. I find myself trying to not let things from over a year ago plague me today. But I can’t help it. I can’t help but feel, that because of his nonchalant and un at tentative behavior towards me in the past that he doesn’t really care for me. Or that he didn’t like me, but because I “kept hanging around”; he eventually said what the heck. I can’t help but feel that way. He called me four times today. He listens to me nag regularly. He’s not good at expressing his emotions, but he tries. He’s sits on the phone with me till 4am three to four times a week, just because I want to talk. But despite his CURRENT behavior, I cannot stop thinking about all the times he didn’t call, he didn’t text, and I felt like he didn’t care. So what can I do?
Can I force myself to forget what is so vivid in my mind? Is it so vivid because it’s relevant? Am I over reacting? Is he under reacting? Every time I dig into the past, I hit a brick wall. He’s unreceptive to the conversation. He just says sorry, but what I want is an explanation. Was he seeing somebody else back then, and it didn’t work out? How else could a man go from being COMPLETELY nonchalant about a woman, to not wanting to be without her, in the span of two years (when he spent the first year and a half kind of being a jerk).
This blog doesn’t have a conclusion. I am looking for one.

Is Grad School Worth Dying For?

There’s this saying… Go with your first mind. Some old sayings are just that…. OLD. Your first thought is often you’re uninformed, uncompromised, and therefore unbalanced thought. I recently made a decision that required me to fight my first mind. And I would like to encourage others to explore some new options as well. Happy reading!

I don’t know if it was growing up in a family where college graduation wasn’t the norm, that gave me a warped view of college. I always knew I wanted to go to college, but I was going for a… degree, a Bachelors Degree ONLY! Bachelors Degree… Masters Degree…. Doctorate Degree…. You know what they are? Well I always thought they were pieces of paper behind the glass. Unlike a marriage license, they did not legalize anything. However, I always recognized the fact that these sheets of paper gave the person bearing it power. And by power I mean, MONEY. And that was where their significance ended for me.

It wasn’t until I viewed the course descriptions for the classes offered in the Masters program at DePaul University, that I realized that I REALLY want to know that stuff! The classes were interesting and much more conducive to my field than all the crud we have to take in undergrad. In a four year degree (at EIU), there are four classes that are directly connected with my concentration, which is Media Production. The Masters program that I am looking at consist of thirteen courses, ALL of which will make me a master of my field, no pun intended.

So, I went through five stages. Denial: Believing that I did not want or need a Masters. Then I was Angry: I was so frustrated with EVERYONE running around talking about earning their Masters; why is everyone obsessed with this stupid piece of paper?! Then I moved on to Bargaining: Well, if I went to grad school, how long would it take? Well if it can be done by the time I’m 27… I might think about it. Then I became Depressed: this past year I have relished the thought of telling school to kiss my hind parts in May 2010. But now… I realize I ‘m walking out of one classroom… and into the next one. And last, but certainly not least I Accepted: I accepted the fact that I would best serve myself and my child by just taking a couple more strides, after all, what’s a few more strides when I’ve ran a marathon. Now, I do realize that I have just described the decision to go to grad school using Kubler Ross’ Five Stages of Death. Isn’t that lively! But, there was a death, the death of old ideas. And you know the saying, whenever there is a death, there’s a birth. So simultaneously, old thoughts died and a new goal was born, all in the course of one day.

Accepting Your Truths Through Poetry

There are a lot of things that are uncomfortable to discuss. We are generally taught to be tough. There are things that bother us that we think we aren't allowed to be bothered by. When I was single, I hated saying that I wanted someone. We all suffer from insecurities, but we should beable to say what those insecurities are. I am insecure about my looks when in the presence of light skin women. That insecurity comes from childhood. Between being called every "black, ugly, crispy, etc..." and watching the way boys fell all over my light skin cousins and friends, I gained a negative self image. Now, if I'm by my self... I'm very confident.... but when in the company of fair toned women... I feel my self esteem reduce a couples of notches. I wrote two poems, one in reference to how I feel when I am single, the other about my complexion issues. I believe that admitting our insecurities is the first step in remedying them. The poems are as follows:

LOVE STORIES

Man, if I see one more slow motion kiss
If I see one more scene in the rain full of lust and bliss
If I see one more motion picture couple say “I Do”
If I hear one more tear filled “I love you too”
If I see another comedy, drama, or action film love scene
I AM GOING TO FUCKING SCREAM!
Because you made me hate every fiber of a love story
Because of you, I look upon my old school t.v screen with envy
Movies that gave me tears of joy, bring me tears of discontent
Now for my favorite characters, I feel deep wrenching resentment
Look at them, running into each other’s arms, holding each other restlessly
Why is it only for Patrick Swayze and Baby, instead of you and me?
What you say?, let me guess, that’s fiction better yet, it’s fantasy
Well, thanks to you it is crap, emotion packed interludes I can no longer see
So if I see one more public profession of love
One more person whispering cliches’ like “you fit me, like a glove”
One more injury inflicted hero in search of his girl
One more bright eyed couple chanting “it’s us against the world”
One more in love dynamic duo jumping off the Titanic Ship
I AM GOING TO FUCKING FLIP
That shit is so lame and you don’t know how sick it makes me
But the thing is this, baby
I want to live the movie….

LIGHT SKIN WOMEN

It’s funny- I'm a 24 year old woman
And I'm still insecure around light skin women
I been told I was beautiful hundreds of times (in adulthood)
But in childhood, I was every tar covered, shadow colored, black as hell were the words they screamed…. Not uttered
So when my relationship doesn't work out
The back of my mind always whispers what I want to say, “you want a light skin bitch!.. I want to shout”!
I don’t hate light skin women
I hate on them, because I’m jealous, jealous of how men respond to them
I feel inadequate. A chocolate girl has to be gorgeous to compete with a mediocre red bone
But so many pretend not to care, or not to notice complexions and skin tone!
I say bullshit!
But you say… she’s got some issues…possibly…
But who among us is without insecurity?
This is mine… The most prominent one at least